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A lot to say...

There’ s so much to be said… so much has happened which I intended to write about, but somehow I just didn’t find the time… So now that so much has changed – I have my Abitur, have applied for some universities – mostly for courses in biomedical science or molecular medicine – and after many, many rejections I have landed in Marburg, studying biomedical science - I have spent a week in London with my friends, I have regained a friend whom I thought lost – I think I should just briefly date it all up… at last… but first things first.

We have a meadow of wild flowers in front of our front-door since the end of May. It was the Whitsun holidays, and my parents went to Landshut to fetch the … well, seeds, if that’s what one can call them…. Actually it were blankets with small wild plants attached to it. And it meant a lot of work… first even the ground the meadow was meant to grow on, then lay out the blankets and then: Fill it al up with soil. Doesn’t sound too exhausting or complicated, but the problem was, you had to arrange the soil by hand as you had to take care of every single little plant – we would have “drowned” them had we just thrown the earth right over I, so it was kneeling on the ground for hours – intercepted by pouring rain occasionally -, seen that every pant gets enough of soil and is not squashed by a knee or hand or whatever… I know this may sound ironical, but it is meant absolutely honest: Even though it seems not to be interesting wok, it somehow taught me reverence and respect for every single little plant in there… I had to care about every single one, and I did, and somehow, this was a cool experience… a weird feeling, but a good one…

A far more interesting, and far crazier experience, however, was what happened on the last Thursday of the holidays… I spent the evening at the computer, chatting, mailing, wasting time, when someone contacted me on ICQ… well, there are not many people to contact me there…. It turned out to be my ex-boyfriend. SHOCK!!! I would have expected anything, but not this, after he had ignored me for more than a year and a half… but well, I had told him I would still be there for him if he’d like me to, I have never ceased liking him, and so I was quite glad to hear from him again… but it was so weird, sitting there, chatting for four hours, talking about what had happened, what had gone wrong… that he often wondered what had happened if he had not broken up then, or if we only had gotten together now and not back then when we both were still deeply effected by our past relationships.. and he has changed a lot… he has grown up. And he has lost his mates, as he said they were… well, let’s say not the best company… I think he tried to be as they wanted him to for quite a while and realized that even if he was they didn’t really care, so he just, well, kind of dropped them…
But that’s not the point… I mean, I was really nervous and quite taken aback and everything, and frequently we both agreed that it was no good talking about such matters via internet, so I invited him to come over to my place as there was nobody at home anyway… just to be able to talk privately, face to face…
And well, that was what we did, after all… I fetched him in the middle of the night – midnight, as a matter of fact, and we talked the night away… until six in the morning. It was wonderful in a way, because I had him back as a friend and because we talked to each other as we had never done before… I mean, in a very strange but special way we were closer even than we had been during our relationship, because we both just talked openly and honestly… I really enjoyed it, because all the pressure we had due to our relationship back then was just gone and what was left was, well, kind of understanding and friendship… but now…
I haven’t talked to him for a long while, because… Well, I still like him, but he wants more, and he is serious about it, but I am sure I don’t want to start a relationship with him again… I can’t, I don’t have that kind of feelings for him… but that’s an entirely different topic…

So, what else happened? I had my Colloquium, my oral examination, in religious instruction… and that was cool. I mean, as usual, I started learning quite late, so it was three days of power-learning and reading the texts we were supposed to study and all that kind of stuff, and of course I was quite nervous, but the topic I got for a report was just fine, and the whole examination went just wonderfully well… I was lucky to be asked exactly what I had revised beforehand, so it was actually quite easy… and not at all stressing, as I got on quite well with the teacher and the whole atmosphere was actually quite relaxed…
But what I learned that day, or say it better – what I learned to appreciate once more – was that the most wonderful feeling one can have is the one of having achieved something, having gotten over something, by work, and luck, and brains maybe… having achieve something. When I left the building and went out into the bright sunshine that day, having finished my Abitur-exams, I felt as if my heart was going to burst in my chest – out of joy. There were few occasions when I had felt that way before (as for example when we got the last two lessons off at the day of the Return of the King Preview…but that’s again something entirely different), but I just remembered that the best thing you can do to feel well is to get something done by yourself… best of course when you know it went all well…

The week after this week was dedicated to a friend of mine…. We got our results on Friday after the orals, and a friend of mine didn’t pass his written examinations (- well, he passed some, but there is a certain amount of credits you need to get your Abitur, and he didn’t have them…), so he had to try and improve by taking three additional oral exams… in all of which he needed a B at least… So we studied together, him, me and another friend, to get him through… And it is a kind of a miracle that he got it!!!!! I think he is going to be a legend in future… It was a really close shave, but he got his Abitur… It was just amazing - it would have been a kind of calamity if he hadn’t made it… it might sound false or weird or whatever, but I was – honestly – enjoying his success more than mine… Somehow I valued his Abitur more than my own, and I was happier for him than for myself… well, maybe because it would have been almost impossible for me to fail even before I sat the exams… that might sound arrogant now, but I hope you know me well enough to know how it is meant…

So, everything was well, school was finished, and there was time to party…. It was a strange time, between the 15th and the 30th of June, when we had sat our exams and had nothing to do with the school anymore and where yet still a part of it because we hadn’t been “released” yet… like holiday and yet different…. I went to a Grönemeyer concert in that time, which was really amazing and worth every second of waiting – though it was a bit of a pity that hw played almost all songs from his new album and the audience just didn’t go with it – either because they didn’t know or didn’t like the songs; But when he played the older songs, the evergreens, it was overwhelming!!!-, and to the Feuertanz- (~ Firedance -) Festival an Abenberg-Castle, which was kind of a mixture of really cool bands – including my all-time-favourite mediaeval-rock band Schandmaul – and just weird music, during this interval, helped in the school library, helped preparing the end of school service – which astonishingly many of our grade attended… it was a cool time…. Weird, but worth remembering.

And then there was our Abitur-ball….
With the teacher who was responsible for our grade marching in as a boxing champion – according to our motto: Muhammad Abi…
Standing ovations for Brandon, me getting my Abi-Certificate, beaming all day… Celebrating our triumph, our achievement together that night… It was amazing to be standing there. With almost all students from my grade, singing “the World’s Greatest” together – and it was okay that evening, it was the way we felt. No arrogance or anything, just joy and wonderful moments… it was great…
And then my euphoria ceased. I had applied for the subject I wanted to study at 8 universities, and either I heard nothing at all from them or I was rejected. And that was hard, because I didn’t actually know what else to study, and I had a weird feeling of being lost, floating without a direction to some unknown, dark future – a feeling that froze me inside, made me afraid of decisions and action… Always waiting for invitations for tests from the universities, I spent my summer reading, playing Final Fantasy XII, being frustrated and terribly frightened of the unknown, of the uncertainty where would end up. I often thought about writing then, but I never got myself to do so… I think that there is some certainty you have to know in life to be able to exist, some goal – diffuse as it may be – to work towards, some hold – and I felt I had none of it. Had I known I’d study Biomedicine and not the place it would have been all right, I would no have cared, but not knowing what I would be studying were was terrible…

But after all, I have landed in Marburg… And ever since I knew I was going to study here and had a room here, I was getting better and better at ease…. And now that I am here, I am glad everything went the way it did… there are things I wrote about my first days here… I will have them blogged, I have them written already, I just didn’t have access to the internet unil now…

But I will not have them blogged here… I think a part of my life has ended, a knew one has begun… I should leave the space I have shared with a friend of mine so long and find my own one now – a knew blog for a knew part of life…. Look for me at


And keep looking forward to your future, and what you are going to face… the future is often brighter than it seems, but never brighter than you yourself allow it to be….
Namarie, friends of mine! See you again under different stars!!!
8.11.07 13:26

bisher 1 Kommentar(e)     TrackBack-URL

Skythen (8.11.07 15:17)
Das nenn ich mal nen beitrag *g* Nicht schlecht nicht schlecht =)
alles zu kommentieren werd ich wohl mal lassen aber egal hehe.
Nur eins, ja ich verstehe wie du das meinst (bezüglich abi und so hehe)
Ja es ist ein neuer abschnitt im leben und ich bin mal gespannt was in deinem neuen blog wohl zu lesen sein wird (wohl auch wieder auf englisch ^^)

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