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Thoughts of the end

It?s shocking how the world just goes on and on, the earth keeps on turning....
I mean, I?m on holiday now, hanging out with friends, doing my driving-license (By the way: Driving is just great! It?s soooo much fun!), watching movies?. But meanwhile there?s so much pain in this world, there are so many terrible things, so many deaths in the very second I write this? and the world just keeps on turning?

Just have a look at all the terrorist-attacks.. London, a city I have already visited, a city that?s almost a symbol for Europe, in a way? people die because they go to work, fetch their children, visit friends? how much pain must all their relatives be forced to endure now?

But I don?t even have to go that far, suffering and death is always closer than you think, or it can be. A classmates brother commitd suicide last week? he was fifteen! And the world just keeps on turning, it doesn?t stop, it goes on as if nothing had happened. I bet my classmate and his friends were asking themselves: How can the sun shine on such a day, and the sun was shining. I didn?t understand it myself. How can the world be happy and moving as usually if there is a great pain like the pain the boy`s family must feel now inside of some people? How can the sun shine and the birds sing if in me there?s just crying and darkness?

I have been thinking of this guy, though I didn?t even know him. How desperate must a fifteen yearold be to end his life like that? Honestly, I think I was depressiv too, to a certain extend, and sometimes I even slightly played with the thought: What if I did, but I never, never ever seriously thought about it. Maybe I would have, if I didn?t have my family and my friends. I don?t know if I was alive now without them, but no matter how down and hopeless I was I knew that I had so much worth living for, I never thought of giving up! (And this time is over, it has been over for quite a while, so don?t worry about me, I?m finer than ever.)

How hopeless must your life seem to be to you if you are even willing to end it? I mean, your life, that?s everything you have, all your friends, hobbys, chances, everything is gone! There?s no way back! How big must the despair, this black part of your soul be? People, especially teenagers, should?t feel like that. But I guess it?s not even somebody`s fault, not necessaryly: I myself didn?t want anybody to know how I felt, I didn?t want anyone to worry about me or to help me. I wanted to be alone in my darkness and lonelyness? If I had screamed, if I had let everything out instead of trying to burry the pain inside, I?m convinced there would have been plenty of people there for me. I?ve grown up that much to ask for help if I need it and to solve my problems, if there are some. Maybe he felt the same, just stronger?.

Suicide makes you ending up in hell, at least according to the bible and common believes. But I wonder: How can God do this? I mean, of curse it is more than rude to throw your life, his gift to you, away like this, but God knows us and mankind?. Doesn?t it say in the bible that he even knew us before we were born? And didn?t God suffer in a way himself? I?m sure He understands all the pain we feel and suffering we are going to. How can he punish somebody who just can?t endure it any longer, who sees no way to improve his situation, to escape from this unbearable despair, by making verything ten times worse for him? What do you think about that? I?d love to get answers to that question?. I can?t imagine that God can be that cruel?.

But I also know that as a human you musn?t try to understand God and his justice? you never can. I mean, why do some people die in accidents and other live until they are 90 and just drop dead one day, while others suffer and suffer growing older? I visited my grandma last Saturday, and she?s really bad? I don?t know if she?ll live much longer, I just know that it?s cruel that people have to die like that. She could barely speak, and wasn?t able to get up anymore, though she desperatly wanted to? I felt like crying when I left, but I couldn?t. I?m not even sure if it was selfish to wish that my gran lives on because she has been not too well for a long time, and I?m not sure if she?ll ever be able to walk again or live without being in one or the other pain all the time?
Why does death have so many forms and ways to come? Either too sudden, or too slow and painful. And why does the world just keep on turning and the sun rising when there?s just darkness and grief inside of us?

Will there ever be emotional justice in this world, or isn?t there a thing like that?.?

As humans, we should?t bring death, we should try to heal the wounds it causes, in one way or the other?
If we ever can.
4.8.05 09:37

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