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Farewell from Middle-earth....

"Well, I am back"

The last words of the Lord of the Rings.... and just what I thought after having finished the book... I am back to the real world, I have left Middle-earth... again.
Somehow it was weird... I knew the book, I knew its ending, and I was looking forward to finish it, and then I just thought: Already? That has been it? Nothing more to read. Yes, nothing more. The tale is told to an end, it is finished.
I cherished reading it again. Travelling in Middle-earth again, in my mind. And I really did see it with different eyes... I had not read it for so long, and my own point of view had changed, as I had changed myself. I have grown up.
I have laughed and cried reading it, thought at different parts of the story than before... I have seen more of the world, have looked deeper into it, understood the characters better than when I had read it last time. And now it is over. I have returned to the real world.

And all that remains now is the hope that it will grow a bit more like Middle-earth than it is now. It gives hope to read about rufians cast out, evil destroyed, the world restored, made better than it had been for a long while. But this world is not Middle-earth... Mordor is all around us, every day. We live it, breath it, are dependent on it. Unfortunatelly. People are not how they should be, and this world is not what it should be like, not at all....
But I feel that it is not something like the great people of the story that we need nowadays... just a bit of ordinary hobbit-sense would do, I think, to improve a lot. Just open eyes, and care, and some deep, earthy wisdom, somehow.... But people are no hobbits... our world is different, and I fear that nothing lost shall be regained, and few things remembered. Humans are growing ignorant, blin... but they have always been, I do ot doubt that.
It is twice hard to lay aside the book, in a way. Once because a wonderful story has come to a bittersweet ending, secondly because a world is left behind much better than ours is now, a world of great and kind people, elves, magic, deeper than the magic tricks of other fantasy stories... it touches some point deep within my heart, I cannot tell why I like this world Tolkien created so much. Maybe because it recalles the memory of how our world has been once, in tmes now far away and removed, in the Middle-Ages or even before that, when people were still honourable and believing in wonders and virtues... When people have been good still, noble, kind, generous.

But as a friend of mine put it: I am a dreamer. I always have been. People were never like that, I guess, and will never be, I am almost sure. Sadly though it is. The story is ended. This world goes on, for a time still, and I hope it comes to brighter days. I will keep on hoping and dreaming, I guess... I am a hopeless case, too soft, believing it might one day be so. Maybe I have to believe, for if I didn't what sense was there to live on in this rotten world, doomed to decay and downfall?
I will dream on, and cherish what good I find in this world. And be glad that whenever it watching the news becomes to painful I can flee into another world, for a little while, and rekindle the hope of better times. Just keep on dreaming, while my imagination is still awake and alive enough. And I do hope it will always be. I do hope I will never loose the path to Middle-earth, or to the Ink-World, or Hogwarts... it means too much to me...

The tunes have faded, but the song never dies. It lives forth to eternity.
Dreamer come and go, but a dreams forever!!!

(Grave words, and weird ones... I hope you don't declare me insane, but understand what I mean...*smile*)
10.4.07 14:52


Sometimes I wonder if anything makes sense at all....
There are powers in this world, water, rock, earth and wind, and fire, which are so much stronger than we can imagine. Though we think we controll them, nature shows us we are not. Now and then the powers just arise, they stand up, shake their iron fist and show us our helpnesness... and we fall into ruin, destruction, despair.

Sometimes I wonder if anything we do makes a difference at all. Is it not unbelievably arrogant to think that our actions might change anything about these powers? That for this world our small affairs count anything? Dust in the wind, we are no more. What difference ´does it make, seen from th point of four billion years, wether I achieve my aims or fail in my tasks, wether I live or die, or how? How can we think that it is of any interest to the world, to its great, unbelievable powers?
We arew nothing, and maybe we should get used to the thought that we are unimportant. There are things far beyond our understanding, may we be learned as we are now or even more. Even if those scientists measure the world in numbers and degrees and put it in formulas, what do we know of the great powers behind them? Even if we can explain love by matters of chemistry, what does that change, what does that do to the one in love? We cannot master these powers. We are not important. Actually, we are meaningless, I sometimes think.
And yet, I cannot accept it, I feel to know it, but I don't feel it, I don't feel unimportant and meaningless. Probably because if mankind accepted that there are so many thing more powerful and mor important than they are, if they saw their own vanity, they would loose the reason to live, the courage and hope to go on.

For even if to our world that is ancient and will be never endind as a planet we are meaningless, to us and our small matters we are not. I am alive, and to me and those close to me it is a difference.
And Idon't mean to say that we should be regardless being unimportant: There are powers we cannot controll or understand, but also things more important than our own small lives. And those things we should cherrish and preserve, or at least their memory. Even if everyone has to find them for him or herself. Or search in vain, alone. Or give up the search? I guess everyone has to find his or her own personal truth, meaning of life and purpose. I have found glimpses and pieces of mine. And things that are more important to me than life itself. And I am glad I have found them. No matter what others might think or say or feel about it......
10.4.07 15:09

Everyday thoughts

Somehow my life is stuck.... it seems to flow by, unchanging, without events, just like that.....

There's not mh to tell, not much of importance happening... school is drawing towards an end, but still panic is not pulling me down... not yet, I guess.

And I feel that nothing is really happening... time is flying by so fast, and my thoughts go in circles. It is always the same things I think about, always the same conclusions I come to, as if I was reassuring myself everyday of my moral and ethics... I get mad at all the injustice in the world, the human-caused pain of the present and the past, Germany's past, the evil part of humanity, the cruelty of war, terrorism, capitalism...
A life is worth hardly anything nowadays, it seem. And either the world around me is getting more and more terrible with every day I watch the news, or the media are focussing more on catastrophies... human catastrophies and abbysses. It is so insane!

Then I wonder about my soul, myself.... Sometimes I lie in bed and feel desperatly longing for someone to just be next to me, embrace me, hold me... someone to talk to, someone I can trust with everything I am - but then, I can't even imagine myself having a relationship, and I don't want to, still don't want to. I am glad to be alone, I need some time for myself.

But maybe this is just because I have grown afraid of decisions.... I am reluctant to change anything, reluctant to make any decicions because I feel that there's no way back once I have chosen... too many decisions which will determine my later life, my future, everything. I can't imagine anything changing... And I dont know what my road is leading to, so I am reluctant to plan anything.... like a job for the holiday or something like that... I don't want to bind myself... to anything, it seems.... it is just weird....

But future will reveal what it holds in hand for me. I will find a way... someday. First of all finish school, and then... start a life again, maybe, get something moving, stop letting everything pass by.... seize the day.

Carpe diem... et noctem multa plus!
25.4.07 19:31


Spring this time is amazing! Just the opposite of last years grey, cold time.... yes, global warming is making itself felt here in the northern lands...*g*

It is warmer than usual, like early summer, but nature is alive as it has seldom been before. All the trees are blossoming, it feels like walking under rose and white clouds.... everything around is green, warm, alive, and friendly.

I have a little chestnut in my flowerbed, my own one... I plantet it - well, her, I should say - there about five years ago, and now she has reached a height almost four heads taller than I am.... She is beautiful! And blossoming for the first time this year... it didn't take her two weeks to start blossoming from the first budds that could be seen. Small brown dots, hardly noteable against the branches and trunk, and then small green patches at first. Everyday the leaves grew bigger and brighter, and now the first blosoms have opened....

I can watch her grow, everyday.... The miracle of life..... It is a shame we don't pay attention to these small changes any more.... it is wonderful to see!
25.4.07 19:37


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