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Well, after a long time, Iīve written something again.... on the 17th of March, to be exact...and I quite liked it myself, as one of few poems that came from my pen...



I pass through the land,
it’s flying by.
I pass barren fields
lying under grey sky,
as a blanket it seems,
grey and sad.

Barren lies the land,
dressed in brown and cold.
The trees still bear the leaves
of last winter, dead and old.
No hope on branch or trunks,
no signs of fruit and joy and bliss.

Empty is the land,
with patches of dark snow.
To the horizon I lift my hand,
but the hills bear no sign
of green hope either,
no happiness within my reach.

Oh Spring, golden Spring,
where are thou?
Why art thou hiding?
Tis almost the end of march!
Thou art late, my friend,
no sign of thee

No birds singing in the sky,
no flowers on the ground,
no whistling wanderer passing by,
no wheat growing in this world,
no grass, no leaf, no animal,
no colours, no life, it seems.

Spring, where art thou hiding?
No deer resting in the meadow,
no kittens at my home,
all land looks dead, suppressed by shadow,
and sadness instead of joyful time.
There are cold and starless nights,
freezing shimmering light to snow.

Oh Spring, why art thou hiding?

I desire your warm embrace,
a blue sky, where greyness dwells now.
No ray of light passes through loneliness,
where illumination and hope should be.
Spring, spread broad wings and fly,
fly fast to me, as the wind, riding among the sun,

to this land that now I pass,
flying by,
mourning for its emptiness
of grey, and brown, and black.

Yet there, what do I see?
A flower growing here, a tiny patch
of yellow, purple, green.
Spring, dear Spring, thou aren’t here yet,
but a slice of thee,
thy Herald has arrived!

Spring, dear Spring,
and if only I believe,
you will be here,
bring life back to barren land!

Oh Spring, my hope is rising!

Hope remains,
as a tiny flower
I flew by.

Spring, dear Spring, return to us!

And hope passed flying by!


Well, and finally, my hope has become true: it is spring again!!!! :-)
5.4.06 14:46

Thing I should have written down in here before...

I know I havenīt written for a long time.... so itīs time to catch up a bit... thereīs a lot to write about...

February and March tore my down this year... because they were soooo gloomy...

I seem to be one of few who realised and who really cared about this yearīs weather and nature being - letīs call it unusual. The weather was too cold, 2 or 3 degrees in averaga, but that wasnīt my problem, actually...

March was so sad in the beginning... there was no life! Usually at least a few flowers grow between pathces of snow by the end of february, and thereīs sun and blue sky at times... this year, there wasnīt. until one and a half week ago, winter held this country in his iron fist, but without snow... the sky was grey and dark, no sunlight, the nights were cold, the land lay barren, empty, everything yellow and brown, worn, no leaves, no grass, no flowers... no birds. Nothing alive, or so it seemed.
Driving through the land, I sometimes got the impression that it was dead, every living species extinct, all life gone... even the colours seemed faded and powerless... everything around me did!

It was weird, and depressing... not that I was sad or so, it just made me think, and felt awkward, somehow... it just wasnīt normal to life without anything showing life, to life within this gloomy atmosphere while knowing that it should be spring, that there should be sun and flowers and birds, singing in the sky...

And all that was left were memories of better years, and the hope that spring might come soon...
5.4.06 14:58


I wrote about this feeling of coming between being lonely and not wanting to be with anybody at the same time...

Well, I think thereīs more to say about that feeling and thought...

It didnīt hurt that evening, but it tore me apart that night, when we went home at about two oīclock... there are some situations it just hits me,and the blow throws me of my balance and brings all my life and emotions upside down... I just tear myself apart systematicaly by wanting someone with me, and yet not wanting to be with anyone... I donīt want to be alone anymore, but I wouldnīt want to have a relationship now... not for anything in the world...
There were days I spent hours crying because of this contradiction, when I had the impression that my heart was to be torn into pieces, I was caught between two unimaginable strong desires, each one pulling and biting on my heart, soul...

There were nights I lay awake, tortured by this pain, and this war within myself... there were times I couldnīt bear to watch certain movies, or read about love or listen to lovesongs... always quite short periods of time...
But thatīs over now. I am here, I am alone, and thatīs how I want to be. I wouldnīt even want to be together with someone if there was a guy I liked that much at the moment...

I have to grow stronger before starting an relationship again... Iīm just not strong enough to have a relationship without trying to do everything right, to keep everything fine all the time, without caring for if thatīs really what I want and if I can be happy with that... Well, I just tend to give myself up, to give up my pride and my own expectations, and Iīm not strong enough to demand them... I have to grow before I can love again... without fear of getting hurt that much...

Iīm alone and itīs fine. I canīt even imagine having someone next to me, beside me right now, and thatīs the way I feel now. The times I tore myself apart are over.

Iīm alive again, completely, and Iīm read for changing...
No matter how this relationship-emotion-thingy will develop, Iīll grow stronger through it... even if it takes time...
5.4.06 15:34

Return of life

It was saturday a week ago (the 25th of March), when I realized a change.... in weather.

The wind was warm! Not that cold, chilling breeze that used to freeze the world and my as well, but a warm, sprintime wind!
The air was completly different to how it had been before, there was this smell of spring in it even I couldnīt miss...

The joy I felt was overwhelming! I canīt even tell why, but there was this feeling of belonging here and of pure joy running through my veins, for the very first time this year... Just because I could sense the end of winter, somehow...

I stood upon a bridge, looking into the sky, over the water, up the the castle in the distance, and I was so glad just to stand there, just to be alive, just to look upon everything I looked at... just for looking into the sky, coloured be the setting sun...
I walked around, alone, waiting for the others (we went to the cinema together...) , yet hoping for them to be late...
I breathed the fresh, warm air, felt the strong, warm wind on my face, and it brought tears to my eyes... just because of its strentgh...

And then one thought hit me with almost unbearable strentgh... I am alone!!!! There is nobody beside me to share my emotions, hold me, stand next to me, no one to wrapped his armes around me and just be with me... I am alone.
It just hit me, but without pain or anything. The thought didnīt hurt, not at all. It was like: Okay, itīs hard to be alone, but I donīt want to be in any other position right now.
I donīt want anyone beside me right now, not even if there was someone I felt that way for... It sounds crazy to regret being alone, yet not wishing for anything else...

But that was just how it was that evening, and thatīs how it is... and I feel fine, even though it might sound like I do not...

Iīm just glad itīs spring again!
5.4.06 15:37

Feelings of spring

Itīs April again... A crazy month... You get wind, sunshine, rain, everything within just one hour! But itīs warmer again, and flowers are growing everywhere... And because of the rain, the land has turned from brown and grey to green within just one week... itīs amazing, everywhere thereīs life and colour and noise now, birds singing in the trees...

I went outside to do a bit of skating with my sister on sunday... just for ten minutes, then it started raining... first on drop, then two, and then swoooosh... it seemed like the sky was comming down! My sister went inside, and I still had to put away my skates, and then I stood in front of the door... but I didnīt get in. I stood there, barefooted, and I went to the garden... there I stood, among flowers, on the grass, barefooted, and I... just felt like dancing!

Itīs crazy, but I could have danced on the lawn in springīs rain, just standing there, feeling alive, feeling the grass benath my feet, the rain, water on my skin, and the life within and around me. I could have danced forever...

Well, I didnīt, as my sister left the door open, and my sense was still working well enough for me not to let the house be flooded by rain.... so I went in.... and later, the sun came out again, while it was still raining... the sight was amazing... The sight of sunshine, rain, and completely dark sky... if there wasnīt any pleasure I had in life, sometimes just this beauty of nature was enough for me to live... Just looking into the sky, seeing the clouds go by...

And dancing in springīs and summerīs warm rain...
5.4.06 15:46

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