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Sometimes, I fel that I?m really lonely now... not in a bad way, just the way it is... it?s strange.

I?m on my own again.. I have been for almost four weeks. It was the day the snow fell the first time this year when my boyfriend broke up with me. I knew it was to come, but I didn?t expect it to happen that soon. And anyway, knowing what will happen doesn?t take the pain away, not the slightest slice of pain! It wasn?t as bad as with my first boyfriend, and I?m not angry with him or anything... I can?t blame him for his feelings or for what he thinks is right, and I can?t force anybody to love or hate me. In one way, I?m glad that he was honest. Better this way than suffering from dishonest love...!

But now? I?m not even sure of what I am feeling, if I really loved him or just forced myself to believe I did because... I was desopaired, maybe? lonely, alone, longing for someone close to me? For over on year, all I ever wished was to be taken in the arm by him... And that?s what I still do. If it?s love I?m feeling, or despair or fear of being alone and thus need someone to hold on... I don?t know anymore. I can?t quite understand myself...
All I know that it ripps me to pieces... in the inside. We are so close together at school, siting next to each other, in some courses, and I could just grab his hand if I wanted to, any time... he is within my reach, so close, and all I want is to get closer... and yet I know I can?t. It?s like a wall between us, he?s completly out of reach, though being so close... it ripps my soul apart, my feelings... some days I don?t mind, and others I keep scratching myself to distract me... it was often that I shed tears, but only once blood, just a little... I won?t hurt myself for him! I won?t have scars because of him, except one small one... very small.

And now he ignores me completly. We were both in a party, and whenever I entered a room, he left it... I can?t bear it! Even if he shouted at me and blamed me and everything... it would be far better, for then I?d atr least know that I still exsist for him, I?m there, fellings, whichever feelings for me are there! Even if he hated me he would care for me in some way, but the way it is now... I feel like being drawn into pieces...

I just want him to be happy, I want to be with him, no matter how, and if there?s no chance for relationship then friendship must do... but I still long for him... I still watch him, and I miss him terribly...
as I said, the whole situation makes me feel like my heart is ripped apart, like I can?t bear breathing anymore...
And I?m all alone... I have nobody to really talk about how I feel... Some friends of mine have their own problems, they shouldn?t have to care for mine in addition, and other?s don?t want to talk about stuff like that any more... they?ve moved on in development, and I feel left behind, silly, and stupid and like a child, not being able to understand myself. And I don?t blame them or anything... it?s okay. Or I?ve told them about and they have given me advice.. and now I just can?t go on to them and tell them again, and again, and again...

And the rest... everytime I want to talk about they have a go at me about me being supposed to be happy that it?s over because it hadn?t been brilliant and it was better that way and he isn?t worthj worrying so much because thewre?ll be another guy some day... well, that?s all true and well, and I don?t say they aren?t right, but that?s not the point! It hurts! It hurts like hell to see him everyday, not to know how he is, how his life is going, knowing I can?t reach him... I miss him like hell!!!! God, I can?t really say my heart is broken, it?s not so bad that I wanted to die or hide away or fade into nothing, but it?s bleeding... IT HURTS!!!!

And noone understands! Have they all never loved or what! I can?t stand it, I think I?ll explode, and I?m all alone... Silent, as nobody understands...

I used to be in love once... And I long to be close to a guy I know can?t be... and above all things, I want him to be happy.
But I can?t bear the situation as it is...remaining silent, and supressing tears and screams as noone?s there to hear me. They can?t they won?t, they don?t understand, they don?t want to!

And I feel I need someone close to me... I can?t stand being alone an more, I want someone with me to share my laughter, someone to catch me whenever I fall, someone to be with me whenever I need warmth... It?s so terribly cold everywhere.
I feel that I can?t be alone, but maybe I?m not a person who?s able to be close to someone... I don?t want to hurt, and I don?t want to be alone.

My frined, I remember the way you looked at me once... I?m sorry I dissapointed you so much... A friend told me you were sad because not having a girlfriend... I?d love to be still with you.... but I hope you?ll foind one soon, someone who understands you better, someone able to give you what you need... Even if I should die of jealousy.
I?m not even sure if I wanted you back... but I promise, I feel so much more for you than for anyone in my life right now... I still do.

And all these thoughts are ripping me apart...
I don?t want to be alone anymore!!!!!
19.12.05 22:25


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