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Thoughts of the end

It?s shocking how the world just goes on and on, the earth keeps on turning....
I mean, I?m on holiday now, hanging out with friends, doing my driving-license (By the way: Driving is just great! It?s soooo much fun!), watching movies?. But meanwhile there?s so much pain in this world, there are so many terrible things, so many deaths in the very second I write this? and the world just keeps on turning?

Just have a look at all the terrorist-attacks.. London, a city I have already visited, a city that?s almost a symbol for Europe, in a way? people die because they go to work, fetch their children, visit friends? how much pain must all their relatives be forced to endure now?

But I don?t even have to go that far, suffering and death is always closer than you think, or it can be. A classmates brother commitd suicide last week? he was fifteen! And the world just keeps on turning, it doesn?t stop, it goes on as if nothing had happened. I bet my classmate and his friends were asking themselves: How can the sun shine on such a day, and the sun was shining. I didn?t understand it myself. How can the world be happy and moving as usually if there is a great pain like the pain the boy`s family must feel now inside of some people? How can the sun shine and the birds sing if in me there?s just crying and darkness?

I have been thinking of this guy, though I didn?t even know him. How desperate must a fifteen yearold be to end his life like that? Honestly, I think I was depressiv too, to a certain extend, and sometimes I even slightly played with the thought: What if I did, but I never, never ever seriously thought about it. Maybe I would have, if I didn?t have my family and my friends. I don?t know if I was alive now without them, but no matter how down and hopeless I was I knew that I had so much worth living for, I never thought of giving up! (And this time is over, it has been over for quite a while, so don?t worry about me, I?m finer than ever.)

How hopeless must your life seem to be to you if you are even willing to end it? I mean, your life, that?s everything you have, all your friends, hobbys, chances, everything is gone! There?s no way back! How big must the despair, this black part of your soul be? People, especially teenagers, should?t feel like that. But I guess it?s not even somebody`s fault, not necessaryly: I myself didn?t want anybody to know how I felt, I didn?t want anyone to worry about me or to help me. I wanted to be alone in my darkness and lonelyness? If I had screamed, if I had let everything out instead of trying to burry the pain inside, I?m convinced there would have been plenty of people there for me. I?ve grown up that much to ask for help if I need it and to solve my problems, if there are some. Maybe he felt the same, just stronger?.

Suicide makes you ending up in hell, at least according to the bible and common believes. But I wonder: How can God do this? I mean, of curse it is more than rude to throw your life, his gift to you, away like this, but God knows us and mankind?. Doesn?t it say in the bible that he even knew us before we were born? And didn?t God suffer in a way himself? I?m sure He understands all the pain we feel and suffering we are going to. How can he punish somebody who just can?t endure it any longer, who sees no way to improve his situation, to escape from this unbearable despair, by making verything ten times worse for him? What do you think about that? I?d love to get answers to that question?. I can?t imagine that God can be that cruel?.

But I also know that as a human you musn?t try to understand God and his justice? you never can. I mean, why do some people die in accidents and other live until they are 90 and just drop dead one day, while others suffer and suffer growing older? I visited my grandma last Saturday, and she?s really bad? I don?t know if she?ll live much longer, I just know that it?s cruel that people have to die like that. She could barely speak, and wasn?t able to get up anymore, though she desperatly wanted to? I felt like crying when I left, but I couldn?t. I?m not even sure if it was selfish to wish that my gran lives on because she has been not too well for a long time, and I?m not sure if she?ll ever be able to walk again or live without being in one or the other pain all the time?
Why does death have so many forms and ways to come? Either too sudden, or too slow and painful. And why does the world just keep on turning and the sun rising when there?s just darkness and grief inside of us?

Will there ever be emotional justice in this world, or isn?t there a thing like that?.?

As humans, we should?t bring death, we should try to heal the wounds it causes, in one way or the other?
If we ever can.
4.8.05 09:37



In letzter Zeit habe ich etwas ?ber die Finsternis nachgedacht... es ist seltsam, wie man auf Dunkelheit reagiert, ich meine v?llige Dunkelheit, kein Stern, kein Funke, kein Licht, nichts, nur schwarz, ?berall...

Auch wenn man den Raum, in dem man ist, auswendig kennt, man hat Angst im Dunkeln, keine gro?e oder bewusste, aber eine unterbewusste, unbestimmte Angst.
Ich war neulich im Dunkeln schwimmen, und es war wundervoll, etwas unheimlich vieleicht, gerade, wenn man unter sich Wasserpflanzen sp?ren konnte, die man nicht gesehen hat, aber das Gef?hl war der Hammer! Gerade beim Tauchen: Alles schwarz, nur ein leicht hellerer Streifen an der Wasseroberfl?che, man selbst umgeben von K?lte, Dunkelheit, Nacht. Mir hat es augenblicklich den Atem verschlagen, ein Gef?hl, als w?rde jemand meine Kehle mit einer Eisenfaust zudr?cken... Angst, keine merkliche, kein Herzrasen, keine Panik, aber dieses Gef?hl, nicht atmen zu k?nnen... Urangst, unterbewusst.

Und doch liebe ich die Nacht, auch ohne Licht... sie zeigt einem die Welt in einem anderen Licht, seine eigene Hilflosigkeit, und doch gibt sie Schutz. Mir hat die Dunkelheit Gef?hle gezeigt, die ich nicht wirklich f?hle, aber wei?, dass sie da sind...
Seltsam, dass wir vor allem unbekannten Angst haben, ohne zu wissen, warum.
Und dass wir uns f?rchten, wenn wir nichts sehen...
28.8.05 11:01


I had quite a shocking thought recently... I was working in a factory for three weeks during the holidays, just to earn some extra money, and this thought hit me like lightning:
People keep on destroying this planet, all the time they do. I love this earth, and I want to protect it, but suddenly I realised that I was a part of this big machine destroying the earth by doing the job I did. I didn?t cause the damage, and I wasn?t responsible for what was produced in that factory or what they did to the environment, nor could I possibly have stopped it, but I was a part of it...

But I think we all are, in one way or the other... It?s a shame that humans are so weak... actually we should return to nature, living in harmony with it, but I?m sure most of us wouldn?t last two weeks... we depend so much on our machines and cars and stores... all of us keep on destroying the world to survive, some more, some less...

Perhaps we we can do is to save the few rivers not poisened yet, the few woods still standing and the few kinds of plants and animals that have survived us so far. Everyone can make a difference, so I?ll just keep on trying... even though I?m just a small piece in this big machine eating this planet, called mankind...

28.8.05 11:09

My city

Friday was actually an ordinary day, but in a way it wasn?t... the weather was good after quite many days of rain, and the way that day "felt" was more than extraordinary....

I love my city, Nuremberg... it such a beautiful town, all these old, ancient housed, churches... I got up to the ground from the underground, into bright sunlight, and suddenly I was filled with this amazing joy... it felt so good and so right just to be there, to breathe.. it felt like singing and dancing right on the spot where I stood. I could see the castle from where I stood, high and great upon the hill opposite of me... I don?t think it has ever been conquered. It was just so beautiful, old, this slice of the middle ages right here, in our time... indeed I could have felt put back in time that day... it?s wonderful to have the old parts of the city and the modern life right next to each other... I just love my town, the castle, the crazy shops you can find there, the cinemas and my friends... I think I wouldn?t want to leave it, not for anything in the world. For a time yes, I love travelling, seeing foreign countries, cultures, but only when I?m sure to be able to return to my beloved, ancient city...
28.8.05 11:20


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