Just hm ^^

  Startseite
    Day after Day ~ Rian
    Day after Day ~ Holmes
    Rians Internationals ~
    Gedichte ~ Lyrics ~ Zitate
  Über...
  Archiv
  Gästebuch
  Kontakt
 

  Abonnieren
 


http://myblog.de/holmes

Gratis bloggen bei
myblog.de





Day after Day ~ Rian

A lot to say...

There’ s so much to be said… so much has happened which I intended to write about, but somehow I just didn’t find the time… So now that so much has changed – I have my Abitur, have applied for some universities – mostly for courses in biomedical science or molecular medicine – and after many, many rejections I have landed in Marburg, studying biomedical science - I have spent a week in London with my friends, I have regained a friend whom I thought lost – I think I should just briefly date it all up… at last… but first things first.

We have a meadow of wild flowers in front of our front-door since the end of May. It was the Whitsun holidays, and my parents went to Landshut to fetch the … well, seeds, if that’s what one can call them…. Actually it were blankets with small wild plants attached to it. And it meant a lot of work… first even the ground the meadow was meant to grow on, then lay out the blankets and then: Fill it al up with soil. Doesn’t sound too exhausting or complicated, but the problem was, you had to arrange the soil by hand as you had to take care of every single little plant – we would have “drowned” them had we just thrown the earth right over I, so it was kneeling on the ground for hours – intercepted by pouring rain occasionally -, seen that every pant gets enough of soil and is not squashed by a knee or hand or whatever… I know this may sound ironical, but it is meant absolutely honest: Even though it seems not to be interesting wok, it somehow taught me reverence and respect for every single little plant in there… I had to care about every single one, and I did, and somehow, this was a cool experience… a weird feeling, but a good one…

A far more interesting, and far crazier experience, however, was what happened on the last Thursday of the holidays… I spent the evening at the computer, chatting, mailing, wasting time, when someone contacted me on ICQ… well, there are not many people to contact me there…. It turned out to be my ex-boyfriend. SHOCK!!! I would have expected anything, but not this, after he had ignored me for more than a year and a half… but well, I had told him I would still be there for him if he’d like me to, I have never ceased liking him, and so I was quite glad to hear from him again… but it was so weird, sitting there, chatting for four hours, talking about what had happened, what had gone wrong… that he often wondered what had happened if he had not broken up then, or if we only had gotten together now and not back then when we both were still deeply effected by our past relationships.. and he has changed a lot… he has grown up. And he has lost his mates, as he said they were… well, let’s say not the best company… I think he tried to be as they wanted him to for quite a while and realized that even if he was they didn’t really care, so he just, well, kind of dropped them…
But that’s not the point… I mean, I was really nervous and quite taken aback and everything, and frequently we both agreed that it was no good talking about such matters via internet, so I invited him to come over to my place as there was nobody at home anyway… just to be able to talk privately, face to face…
And well, that was what we did, after all… I fetched him in the middle of the night – midnight, as a matter of fact, and we talked the night away… until six in the morning. It was wonderful in a way, because I had him back as a friend and because we talked to each other as we had never done before… I mean, in a very strange but special way we were closer even than we had been during our relationship, because we both just talked openly and honestly… I really enjoyed it, because all the pressure we had due to our relationship back then was just gone and what was left was, well, kind of understanding and friendship… but now…
I haven’t talked to him for a long while, because… Well, I still like him, but he wants more, and he is serious about it, but I am sure I don’t want to start a relationship with him again… I can’t, I don’t have that kind of feelings for him… but that’s an entirely different topic…

So, what else happened? I had my Colloquium, my oral examination, in religious instruction… and that was cool. I mean, as usual, I started learning quite late, so it was three days of power-learning and reading the texts we were supposed to study and all that kind of stuff, and of course I was quite nervous, but the topic I got for a report was just fine, and the whole examination went just wonderfully well… I was lucky to be asked exactly what I had revised beforehand, so it was actually quite easy… and not at all stressing, as I got on quite well with the teacher and the whole atmosphere was actually quite relaxed…
But what I learned that day, or say it better – what I learned to appreciate once more – was that the most wonderful feeling one can have is the one of having achieved something, having gotten over something, by work, and luck, and brains maybe… having achieve something. When I left the building and went out into the bright sunshine that day, having finished my Abitur-exams, I felt as if my heart was going to burst in my chest – out of joy. There were few occasions when I had felt that way before (as for example when we got the last two lessons off at the day of the Return of the King Preview…but that’s again something entirely different), but I just remembered that the best thing you can do to feel well is to get something done by yourself… best of course when you know it went all well…

The week after this week was dedicated to a friend of mine…. We got our results on Friday after the orals, and a friend of mine didn’t pass his written examinations (- well, he passed some, but there is a certain amount of credits you need to get your Abitur, and he didn’t have them…), so he had to try and improve by taking three additional oral exams… in all of which he needed a B at least… So we studied together, him, me and another friend, to get him through… And it is a kind of a miracle that he got it!!!!! I think he is going to be a legend in future… It was a really close shave, but he got his Abitur… It was just amazing - it would have been a kind of calamity if he hadn’t made it… it might sound false or weird or whatever, but I was – honestly – enjoying his success more than mine… Somehow I valued his Abitur more than my own, and I was happier for him than for myself… well, maybe because it would have been almost impossible for me to fail even before I sat the exams… that might sound arrogant now, but I hope you know me well enough to know how it is meant…

So, everything was well, school was finished, and there was time to party…. It was a strange time, between the 15th and the 30th of June, when we had sat our exams and had nothing to do with the school anymore and where yet still a part of it because we hadn’t been “released” yet… like holiday and yet different…. I went to a Grönemeyer concert in that time, which was really amazing and worth every second of waiting – though it was a bit of a pity that hw played almost all songs from his new album and the audience just didn’t go with it – either because they didn’t know or didn’t like the songs; But when he played the older songs, the evergreens, it was overwhelming!!!-, and to the Feuertanz- (~ Firedance -) Festival an Abenberg-Castle, which was kind of a mixture of really cool bands – including my all-time-favourite mediaeval-rock band Schandmaul – and just weird music, during this interval, helped in the school library, helped preparing the end of school service – which astonishingly many of our grade attended… it was a cool time…. Weird, but worth remembering.

And then there was our Abitur-ball….
With the teacher who was responsible for our grade marching in as a boxing champion – according to our motto: Muhammad Abi…
Standing ovations for Brandon, me getting my Abi-Certificate, beaming all day… Celebrating our triumph, our achievement together that night… It was amazing to be standing there. With almost all students from my grade, singing “the World’s Greatest” together – and it was okay that evening, it was the way we felt. No arrogance or anything, just joy and wonderful moments… it was great…
And then my euphoria ceased. I had applied for the subject I wanted to study at 8 universities, and either I heard nothing at all from them or I was rejected. And that was hard, because I didn’t actually know what else to study, and I had a weird feeling of being lost, floating without a direction to some unknown, dark future – a feeling that froze me inside, made me afraid of decisions and action… Always waiting for invitations for tests from the universities, I spent my summer reading, playing Final Fantasy XII, being frustrated and terribly frightened of the unknown, of the uncertainty where would end up. I often thought about writing then, but I never got myself to do so… I think that there is some certainty you have to know in life to be able to exist, some goal – diffuse as it may be – to work towards, some hold – and I felt I had none of it. Had I known I’d study Biomedicine and not the place it would have been all right, I would no have cared, but not knowing what I would be studying were was terrible…

But after all, I have landed in Marburg… And ever since I knew I was going to study here and had a room here, I was getting better and better at ease…. And now that I am here, I am glad everything went the way it did… there are things I wrote about my first days here… I will have them blogged, I have them written already, I just didn’t have access to the internet unil now…

But I will not have them blogged here… I think a part of my life has ended, a knew one has begun… I should leave the space I have shared with a friend of mine so long and find my own one now – a knew blog for a knew part of life…. Look for me at
http://www.myblog.de/meliath

:-)

And keep looking forward to your future, and what you are going to face… the future is often brighter than it seems, but never brighter than you yourself allow it to be….
Namarie, friends of mine! See you again under different stars!!!
Rian am 8.11.07 13:26


Music again... my music

Before I forget it... I have been thinking about this for a long while now...

My taste of music changed... or at least the feelings I have when listening to music. A friend of mine tried to convince me that Manowar is great... and I agree on the base of the music... But I think I will never listen to their songs alone, by myself... too much heroic-blood-kill-battle-fury-splatter-lyrics....
I am too much a pacifist to listen to this kind of music today.... maybe I would have a few years ago... but not anymore... the sound is great, though, no doubt about that...

It is the same wiht many songs I used to listen to, I used to love and really feel involved and understood when listening to it....all those punk-rock stuff, simple plan and so on.... Songs like: I am my own worst enemy, everyone in the world hates me, it is the world that is bad to me, no one understands me....

Not anymore... I still like the songs, and respect to the artists, but somehow... I have risen above it. Or not above, I just stood up, grew - up, perhaps? - and now I am standing above it. It doesn't touch me anymore, I don't feel a connection to it. I needn't cry and wail around because my life is all sooo bad.... my life is fine, and if I have a problem, I will solve it, instead of starting to hate myself again...I have become more mature, I think, those songs have not...

But there are other songs as well, by great artists, I don't listen to anymore.... songs about breaking up, and the time after the breaking of a relationship, about the pain those musicians put in words, in a way that made me think that they knew exactly how I felt, that they put my heart's feelings into words, about the rolercoaster and the thoughs of antipathy and being over it... I still love the songs, the lyrics are great and really wghat one feels in a way, but I am no longer commited to them... Those feelings are no longer mine. I have stopped suffering or disliking or thinking of revenge when listening to them. They are songs no, nothing more. Not the voice of my soul anymore - and that'S great!

I dont knoew whether to be sad because I lost a part of my emotional puzzle, but I think I should be glad. I think that I am going on, that I am ready to go on, for new chapters...
and, looking back now, I can see the girl I used to be, and I see that, I suddenly realize that I have left her behind... but I will alway carry a part of her with me, in my heart. I am still the same, yet I am different...

But I will never forget who I was, what I was, what I felt that days... It will help me see what I am today, and go on... with new music, and still the old songs accompanying me... though my feelings for them will be different - changing... but I guess that's all life is about: an ever-changing, never-ending flow of time...

I am just glad I have foud my music again, rediscovered my music... and redefined it, in a way....
Rian am 28.5.07 12:19


it's over now....

My Abitur-exams... the last three weeks were tormenting, in a way....I was so nervous because of these exams, stressed because I couldn't memorize everything I moight have needed to know, stressed because I was so excited, stressed because my family bothered me, and most of all my brain, signalizing that it was too tired and too fed up and exhausted to suck in further information far too often for my taste...

I was a totally different person in those days... stressed, panicking even, aggressive, fed up... and my body is quite funny when getting nervous..... especially my bowel... but never mind that now....
I am glad it is over, and I think I have donde rather well... at least in Bio... I didn't want to write that thing anymore, the last test of all.... I was just too fed up, and thinking only about getting it over, not about the test itself. From exam to exam I grew more oblivious to the importance of those exams, and more and more fed up with them.... and thus, I think, I got better, because I was more relaxed... I could work on my normal level in Bio again, not with shaking hands at first and a body that nedded half an hour to calm down enough to let the brain do proper thinking...

But now it is over I am myself again, and it feels great... an oral in two weeks time, than I am done, except I choose to try to improve my marks with orals again... which I really am considering seriously... but that's far of, and not that important anymore... I will see on the 15th of June... this will be the day it will be decided if those mornings our teachers claimed to be good mornings really were good... or ill....

I am just glad I have the time to read again... The Narn is on its way already... I am lokking forward to it.... journeying Middle-Earth once more....
Rian am 28.5.07 12:00


Music

I can't tell you how wonderful it is to be able to listen to music again!

There was a time, a very short while ago, when I wasn't able to... or at least I was not able to enjoy it. I mean, I still liked the songs, I still loved all those songs I tried to listen to, but I was not able to enjoy them any longer... they were annoying me... it was terrible.

I bought the new Faun-Album, and that was fo two weeks the only thing I could listen to... but still not while I was studying for my exams... usually I listen to music every minute in my life I am able to, but I coulnd't bear music while I was trying to memorize all this stuff in Bio or all my vocabs in English... it was cruel, in a way....

But yesterday everything was the way it had always been...
I put in Fiddler's Green once more, and I went hopping around my room once more... it was AWESOME!!!!! I think no one who has not felt that way can understand what I mean, but it was a great relief to be able to enjoy what I love again....

So celebrate, and jubilate 'cause I'm almost free tonight!!!! I love Fiddler's Green..... *humm along* .... *fg*
Rian am 28.5.07 11:51


Dreams

I don’t have a dream anymore! I have no aim in live, no reachable goal I am heading to... okay, there’s my school degree, there’s the college course I want to take, the master of science I want to achieve, maybe even a doctorate... and then? I used to have dreams – I wanted to become a vet all my life. Now I have buried that dream I don’t know what shall become of me. No final goal to work for. There are small dreams, of course, like going on a whale-watching tour, diving or swimming with wild dolphins and seeing South Africa from horseback... or just visiting the country and all my friends there again....
But those dreams are far away, I can’t do anything at the moment to make them come true... monetary problems *smile*. It is the big goal in my life that is missing... the first big goal was my Abitur, which I am achieving at the moment... I don’t regard it as achieved already, but it is nothing I have to work hard for anymore... just studying and sitting the exam...

If you have no dreams you have no future... but what so those people do who have already achieved all their goals in life? Can’t they be happy anymore? Once there is nothing left, no more step for you to ascend... maybe you just stay where you are and be happy with that, but I fear that won’t be enough for me... everyday life, routine, boredom... I guess one just has to find another dream, another aim, another idol perhaps to life up to...

And now I understand why some people do some so completely crazy things... quit their jobs and drive through America on a Harley or climb the Mount Everest... They go for their dreams, they leave their lives to go for their dreams....

I should stop thinking my dreams as being impossible to be fulfilled, even if I can’t make them come true at the moment... I should find myself a dream, something to live for – I mean, apart from all those small perfect moments which make life bearable even if I am miserable... life itself is worth living, life itself is wonderful and a whole maze of choices – and chances – a real life-dream.... and if it is only to sleep in an Ice-hotel once or go galloping along the sea... I mean, there are so many wonderful things to do in this world...

It is just hard to be going a road uncertain where it will lead you... it is hard to keep the tracks if you don’t know where you want to be at the end of the road...
But one thing I know, and yesterday I felt it stronger than I have done for a long while: Wherever my road will take me, on whatever place or position I will stand in the end: I don’t want to be standing there alone...
Rian am 16.5.07 11:29


 [eine Seite weiter]




Verantwortlich für die Inhalte ist der Autor. Dein kostenloses Blog bei myblog.de! Datenschutzerklärung
Werbung