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Everyday thoughts

Somehow my life is stuck.... it seems to flow by, unchanging, without events, just like that.....

There's not mh to tell, not much of importance happening... school is drawing towards an end, but still panic is not pulling me down... not yet, I guess.

And I feel that nothing is really happening... time is flying by so fast, and my thoughts go in circles. It is always the same things I think about, always the same conclusions I come to, as if I was reassuring myself everyday of my moral and ethics... I get mad at all the injustice in the world, the human-caused pain of the present and the past, Germany's past, the evil part of humanity, the cruelty of war, terrorism, capitalism...
A life is worth hardly anything nowadays, it seem. And either the world around me is getting more and more terrible with every day I watch the news, or the media are focussing more on catastrophies... human catastrophies and abbysses. It is so insane!

Then I wonder about my soul, myself.... Sometimes I lie in bed and feel desperatly longing for someone to just be next to me, embrace me, hold me... someone to talk to, someone I can trust with everything I am - but then, I can't even imagine myself having a relationship, and I don't want to, still don't want to. I am glad to be alone, I need some time for myself.

But maybe this is just because I have grown afraid of decisions.... I am reluctant to change anything, reluctant to make any decicions because I feel that there's no way back once I have chosen... too many decisions which will determine my later life, my future, everything. I can't imagine anything changing... And I dont know what my road is leading to, so I am reluctant to plan anything.... like a job for the holiday or something like that... I don't want to bind myself... to anything, it seems.... it is just weird....

But future will reveal what it holds in hand for me. I will find a way... someday. First of all finish school, and then... start a life again, maybe, get something moving, stop letting everything pass by.... seize the day.

Carpe diem... et noctem multa plus!
25.4.07 19:31
 


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