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Thoughts....

Long time no see...

There are so many thoughts in my head... questions...

Thinking about the nature of humanity, about our souls, about death and our own vanity, mortality.... do I have toi care whether anybody is going to remember me once I am dead or not? I don't know.....

Sometoimes I wonder what it feels like to die, to be dead... I mean, I am not keen on finding out, not yet.... not yet for a long time to come.... but sometimes I am curious.... but by no means curious enough to try to find out.....

I wonder whether or not I am going to find answers to all this questions running through my mind, t all the riddles lives plays with me, all the riddles to think about.... all those questions I can't even figure out clearly in my head.... somethimes I just lack the words.... language can be so unfutile.... failing...

Just as my comprehension of myself... what do I really want? Where do I want my road to lead me? I don't know... just going on.....

But what for? Something has to change, humans have top change, but why should I try if five thousand years of history and ountcounted books, poems, speeches, plays, dramas, education have not changed anything.... it seems to get worse instead of better... are we lost already? Have I given up already? Is there any sense in fighting... but someone has to....

It is all so wrong, so much is endangered.... we stand right in front of a chasm... an abbys called decay and destruction... the end, maybe? I don't know.....And actually, I shouldn't feel depresed and gloomy like that at all... iIn fact, I am feeling fine, writing without rreal emotion, just with my mind and clear senses, perception....

Questions, questions in the twilight.... I am confused, uncertain....
12.5.07 19:06


By the way...

Oh, by the way, I sat my first Abitur-exam yesterday.... German...

The first hour was horrible, and I don't thoink I wrote anything exceedingly good or worth a great mark, but it was no catastrophy.... I think it's going to be an average B, so it will be fine....

I was feeling so weird.... my mind was like a sieve at first, it couldn't keep anything I read, I didn't comprehend anything at all.... I don't know why I chose the topic I wrote about, three of the four were okay actually..... a basis to work on... OI just began to write about the poem.... Johann Wolfgang Goethe.... Wiederfinden...

I like his poems... he is great at conjuring up images in the readers mind, and a s soon as I was able to explain those imagers, analyse his stylistic devises and metaphors I enjoyed writing.... the poem was okay, I only hope I interpreted it the right way... and didn't explain less stylistic devces than I should.... but well, I took into account everything they wanted me to, his text about the colours that was given as well, and the way people and the world were seen at his time... I even explained why this is to be found out htrough the poem...

The b) question wasn't as bad as I feared either.... I had to compare the influence of modern sciences on literature in Goethes poem and some other literary work... I chose an author of an earlier time, of the age of enlightenment, who didn't take sciences into account, but strenghened the claim of God as the only real "scientific law" and the highest joy and aim.... I think that was okay..... and I hope that I wrote something really sensible somewhere within these twenty pages I covered with ink....

considering I felt so abashed that I nearly considered handing in the empty paper I did quite well... I really think it was one of the worst hours of my life until I started interpreting..... but well, I'll see what came - or will come - of it....

I am just glafd it is over now... the next ones won't be that bad now, I hope.....
12.5.07 19:18


Dreams

I don’t have a dream anymore! I have no aim in live, no reachable goal I am heading to... okay, there’s my school degree, there’s the college course I want to take, the master of science I want to achieve, maybe even a doctorate... and then? I used to have dreams – I wanted to become a vet all my life. Now I have buried that dream I don’t know what shall become of me. No final goal to work for. There are small dreams, of course, like going on a whale-watching tour, diving or swimming with wild dolphins and seeing South Africa from horseback... or just visiting the country and all my friends there again....
But those dreams are far away, I can’t do anything at the moment to make them come true... monetary problems *smile*. It is the big goal in my life that is missing... the first big goal was my Abitur, which I am achieving at the moment... I don’t regard it as achieved already, but it is nothing I have to work hard for anymore... just studying and sitting the exam...

If you have no dreams you have no future... but what so those people do who have already achieved all their goals in life? Can’t they be happy anymore? Once there is nothing left, no more step for you to ascend... maybe you just stay where you are and be happy with that, but I fear that won’t be enough for me... everyday life, routine, boredom... I guess one just has to find another dream, another aim, another idol perhaps to life up to...

And now I understand why some people do some so completely crazy things... quit their jobs and drive through America on a Harley or climb the Mount Everest... They go for their dreams, they leave their lives to go for their dreams....

I should stop thinking my dreams as being impossible to be fulfilled, even if I can’t make them come true at the moment... I should find myself a dream, something to live for – I mean, apart from all those small perfect moments which make life bearable even if I am miserable... life itself is worth living, life itself is wonderful and a whole maze of choices – and chances – a real life-dream.... and if it is only to sleep in an Ice-hotel once or go galloping along the sea... I mean, there are so many wonderful things to do in this world...

It is just hard to be going a road uncertain where it will lead you... it is hard to keep the tracks if you don’t know where you want to be at the end of the road...
But one thing I know, and yesterday I felt it stronger than I have done for a long while: Wherever my road will take me, on whatever place or position I will stand in the end: I don’t want to be standing there alone...
16.5.07 11:29


Music

I can't tell you how wonderful it is to be able to listen to music again!

There was a time, a very short while ago, when I wasn't able to... or at least I was not able to enjoy it. I mean, I still liked the songs, I still loved all those songs I tried to listen to, but I was not able to enjoy them any longer... they were annoying me... it was terrible.

I bought the new Faun-Album, and that was fo two weeks the only thing I could listen to... but still not while I was studying for my exams... usually I listen to music every minute in my life I am able to, but I coulnd't bear music while I was trying to memorize all this stuff in Bio or all my vocabs in English... it was cruel, in a way....

But yesterday everything was the way it had always been...
I put in Fiddler's Green once more, and I went hopping around my room once more... it was AWESOME!!!!! I think no one who has not felt that way can understand what I mean, but it was a great relief to be able to enjoy what I love again....

So celebrate, and jubilate 'cause I'm almost free tonight!!!! I love Fiddler's Green..... *humm along* .... *fg*
28.5.07 11:51


it's over now....

My Abitur-exams... the last three weeks were tormenting, in a way....I was so nervous because of these exams, stressed because I couldn't memorize everything I moight have needed to know, stressed because I was so excited, stressed because my family bothered me, and most of all my brain, signalizing that it was too tired and too fed up and exhausted to suck in further information far too often for my taste...

I was a totally different person in those days... stressed, panicking even, aggressive, fed up... and my body is quite funny when getting nervous..... especially my bowel... but never mind that now....
I am glad it is over, and I think I have donde rather well... at least in Bio... I didn't want to write that thing anymore, the last test of all.... I was just too fed up, and thinking only about getting it over, not about the test itself. From exam to exam I grew more oblivious to the importance of those exams, and more and more fed up with them.... and thus, I think, I got better, because I was more relaxed... I could work on my normal level in Bio again, not with shaking hands at first and a body that nedded half an hour to calm down enough to let the brain do proper thinking...

But now it is over I am myself again, and it feels great... an oral in two weeks time, than I am done, except I choose to try to improve my marks with orals again... which I really am considering seriously... but that's far of, and not that important anymore... I will see on the 15th of June... this will be the day it will be decided if those mornings our teachers claimed to be good mornings really were good... or ill....

I am just glad I have the time to read again... The Narn is on its way already... I am lokking forward to it.... journeying Middle-Earth once more....
28.5.07 12:00


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