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Just a few Late-night-thoughts....

Three little pieces that came to be sometime late at night...

~
Rain

Sitting there,
reading, reading, reading,
it felt as if the rain had been alive!

Incarnate,
singing and dancing
outside my window.
Standing just behind me,
whispering in voices
I could not understand.

How I wish I could have danced
and sung with him,
be carried away
on his wind's wings.
Yes,
the rain was alive!


If only I could have talked
or just listened to him...
I might have flown away,
to far, fair countries,
lands he sang about to me!
Revived earth.
Living dreams.
Dancing with the rain....
~
12th of January, 1.07 a.m.


~
Stardust

Today,
it rained
stardust
from a royal blue sk.
It rained diamond dust,
christals,
sharp as needles,
cold as ice,
tiny,
glittering
diamond shives,
tiny as stars
falling from heaven.
~

24 th of January
Yes, winter had come... and stars where falling from the skies, covering the world in glittering diamond dust... it was wonderful!


~
Night

The sky is
orange
tonight.
Nuremberg's lights
reflected at the
grey,
snow-barren clouds,
the icy sky is burning,
gleaming...
wonderful!
~

25th of January, 0.15 a.m.
3.2.07 19:27


Memory

Maybe it's stupid to be brooding about my past relationships... still, after more than two years since I broke up...

But well, I had an eye-opener just now... and it didn't hurt to perceive the fact, I just understood... no pain, no effect on my soul.. and that's good...

I was just reading some of my old poems, sorting them.... and came across a few I wrote for him... I remembered his reaction when I showed them to him... I wrote a lot of love poems back then, explaining my feelings... often those stupid ideas of: "I cannot go on without you....".
It's hard to think I really thought that way back then... I thought that much that way, was so dependent on him emotionally... but well, I am not anymore, and I will be aware not to let something like that happen again, and anyway, that's not the topic....

The real topic now is his reaction to those poems: He seemed sad, as if it pained him somehow to read them.... I didn't understand it at all back then, now I think I might...

I don't know wether or not I am right at this point, but I think he knew he couldn't give me as much as I seemed to demand, he couldn't respond properly to what I felt for him... that his feelings were just not strong enough for him to think the same... I know I was important to him ,a least in the beginning, but now I assume he knew it was going to be painful for both of us if it came to breaking up... because he didn't have the guts to stand up and tell me that it was over, despite of knowing it was, and I felt so dependent on him... after all, I had managed to ruin almodst all my friendships because of my relationship to him...

I guess he knew that he was guilty of fooling me... I am sure he did so for at least three months... keeping up a relationship that, emotionally, wasn't worth a lot for him... and he had a bad consciousness because of that...

Well, maybe I am completely wrong with these thoughts, and he felt entirley different... I have become strong enough not to care anymore...

And now... I will never again give up myself or risk my friendships for a relationship... I nearly lost my best friends, and that's not worth it... It is okay to be ready to do almost everything for your partner, but I don't know if the thought of not being able to live without him (or her, generally speaking) is really desirable... it's a bit sick, I think now, but well, I am not in love, I have basically hardly any idea how it must feel to be together with someone you know you might spend the rest of your life with....
Maybe true love means to be dependent in one way or the other... heartache, being sad of being parted and so on, and so on... but I think this feeling should not be dominating in the relationship, as it did back then...

But well, I can hardly understand my 16year-old self anymore... She was so depressed and down that I sometimes wonder how she ever managed to come to age alive, and that she became what I am today... I am a lot more self-assured and my attitude towards life is a lot more positve than it was back then... I have grown stronger, and more independent in all respects... so I am excited how my next relationship will be...even if I think it will still be a while until it comes to pass that I find someone I may fall in love with...

But I do hope it will never happpen again that I find myself defying what I once felt.... that I look back and find myself naive, stupid, retarded... it's an aweful feeling.... but hopefully I am past this phase.... adolescence is a terrible periode... it's so hard to grow up at times.... and not at all desirable in every aspect...:-)
3.2.07 20:02


Chronicles of broken friendship....

I have written about this last year.... and I thought it was okay. This friend of mine who treated me quite... hostile? With great enmity? Well, maybe just ignorance.... well, it hurt, anyway, and he knew it would... but that's not the problem now. He is notr worth my tears or even thoughts, and this I know for sure...

I have met him trice since the time I was down because of him.... well, twice within my phases of feeling blue....

Once we met coincidently after watching a movie with the class... And I just ran away! I didn't know what to do at all, I saw him and he irgnored me, and I just turned and went off to the toilet... It was such a shock to meet him there unprepared... maybe like those people in the Final Destination Movies feel when they see the thing they know they will die through approaching.... It was an iron hammer smashing me down, I thought my evening was ruined completely... and I sat there, alone, shivering, feeling as the scum of the earth.... but a friend was there for me.... My Queen was there for me, and that's what I'll be ever grateful to her for....
Well, the evening came to be quite fine in the end, I caught myself, I had fun, it was okay... But I just couldn't bear my cowardice... I had run away, just like that....

And somehow it gnawed on me.... I was down, really, without even understanding why, or knowing.... Until I faced him... my queen again came to my aid: She initiated a talk among the whole circle of former friends to clear the fronts and the situation.... I went there, trembling, always telling myself to things: Stay strong and keep on smiling....
And actually, I quite did so. MAybe it was a bit unfair to face him knowing that nothing he would say or explain would undo what I felt, would mend the damage he had done, heal the wounds of the relationship... It was opposing him knowing all I was go9ing to do was making allegations and accusations and tellinghim that he had messed it up beyond repair... But then he doesn't care anyway, and if he does, it's his problem, not mine, he should have thought about that earlier...

It was hard to look into his face in the beginning... and it was painful anyway... I often was close to tears, but I didn't cry... and when I finally looked into his eyes, he was always the first to drop his gaze.... I made my position clear, and that day showed me that I don't have to miss him, or be concerned of what he thinks of me, or even cry because I have lost him as a friend...

If he is ready to drop a friend like that because of attitudes he finds annoying, and because of habits he critisized without even giving me a chance to change before kicking me out of his life... nice! If he thinks he knows better how people surrounding him should feel and be and act, fine for him, but I don't need friends who want to cut and push and press me until I fit their idea of the perfect friend... I need to be stronger, and noew he has made me stronger by hurting me and he thinks this is a good development and positive for me, and anyway, one can't force people to change... Hello?!?!?!?!?!
I mean, pushing them thropugh experiences that give them the choice between changing or somehow breaking... Forced to change, I call that..... and really, if someon is my friend,he or she will accept me with all my mistakes and failures, just because that is what friendship means.... And being almost proud of his action because he succeeded in maijng me change by it... I'm sorry, but the day has not yet come that I am reliant on such persons, honestly, I don't need to do that to myself...

That evening was a rolercoaster... After he had left, I just broke down in a way... I cried and talk to a friend of mine... she really built me up, once more... because just knowing it is the best thing and he isn't worth one single tear does not ease thre pain, let alone take it away... but I left her house stronger than before, dorve home through the darkness, singing aloud to Herbert Grönemeyer's "Nach mir"... and it felt so good to hate him that short while, to really wish pestilenz upon him... not seriously, but it was just good to let my anger out, and , well, yes, hate him in a way, not in a way that I wanted to harm him or anything, just free, somehow... it's hard to say. When I left the car that day, it was the first time I thought I might be ready for a relationship sometime soon.... and I have felt better ever after... I have felt better than I had for a long time... maybe the best ever, excluding my time in South Africa and shortly after returning (and that's not just said like that... I am honest in this, I swear by my cats and my life!!!)

So, the third time was just about one and a half hours ago... we met him after watching a play shortly, just because he had to give a DVD back to me and some schoolstuff back to a friend of mine.... he didn't seem to mind that anything had happened....

.... I am so boiling with anger! I was sick with anger when we said goodbye... Almost freaking out, really... I had never imagined abnger could be that painful, almopst agonising, grabbing once hard like an icy fist, clenching the soul with its freezing cold hands...

It was not the way he treaded me back then, but the fact that I have never, never met a person as hypocritical and insincere as him... two features which I really detest... it means fooling poeple, lying... He was just joking around with one of my friends how important she was for him... almost as important as his life, as he joked... in front of me, and, what is more: I have seen how he values friends, I have feklt how much they meen to him! And he had told me that she was a great "pseudo-friend", someone to hang around with, but not to share deeper thougths or whatever... I don't remember what exactly he had said about her, and I am not going to tell her, as I do not intend to destro a friendship - mine or his, whichever way it might turn out- but I just couldn't bear that hypocritical manner, attitude....

And of course it was great to see that none of the other two even bothered to ask how I felt afterwards... I gues they didn't even think, not to speak of realise, that I felt down, was angry, hurt inside... of course it is still painful to see that he is so close to friends of mine... but I don't want to blame them... It's good if I have not bothered them with my stupid problems...

And now the iron fist loosens its grip around my soul, heart and mind... it's good to write all that stuff down... better than hitting something, and for sure less destructive *smile*
*big grin* I'll be fine, and I wont care about him opersonaly... just that people can be so dishonest.. that drives me mad....
Well, maybe I have been stupid in return... I wrote him an Sms, telling him just that: He is a hypocrate to me, and I won't bother thinking about him, he is not worth it...
I wonder if he would be content with my new self... but anyway, he has lost my favour and friendship... and that's irrevocable.... for the first time ever...

All I hope now is that my SMS doesn't cause an uproar in the former circle of friend again... I mean, two of my best friends are great friends of his, one is not at all, and I really don't want to stand between him and them, or cause trouble... I have no right to force anyone to take sides... I hope he does not either....
But I'll see what the future may bring.... maybe it was a mistake, but it was what I felt doing, and it took courage to do it.... Well, as I said, if I still cared for him I might wonder if he was content with my new self.... but only if I cared.....
4.2.07 23:57


Montag morgen

Hab wieder mal was Deutsches produziert... nicht wirklich berauschend, aber was wil man von einem Montag-Morgen-Gedicht schon halten.... Ich hasse Montage! :-)

Montag morgen

und ein kleines Stückchen
Wildnis,
Leben,
in unserer Stadt.
Zuflucht.
Ein kleines Stückchen
Erde,
Natur,
um das sich niemand
zu kümmern scheint...
Verwildert,
chaotisch,
romantisch,
bestimmt einmal
ein kleiner, gepflegter Park,
aber jetzt?
Wie Überbleibsel einer
lange vergangenen Zeit,
als unsere Vorväter noch
im Vollmond mit
den Sternen
und dem Regen
tanzten.

Raureif über toten Blättern,
Wege bedeckt mit Gras.
Wie eine Lichtung
in einem wilden,
verzauberten Wald,
Zufluchtsort
für Magiekinder.
Faerie... irgendwie.

Amseln spielen
um mich her,
Efeu überwuchert
die alten Bäume,
gerade und gebeugt,
alt und jung,
wild!
Natur.
Und hier sitze ich
auf einem Stuhl,
nein,
einem Thron
aus behauhenem Stein,
allein,
nur meine Musik
ist bei mir,
mein Füller und
meine Gedanken.

Die Zeit steht still
für einen Moment,
an diesem Ort,
sonnenbeschienen Kälte,
Glitzern,
grün und braun,
Leben und Tod,
überzogen mit Kristall.

Wenn es sie noch gibt,
dann müssen sie sich
an Orten wie diesem treffen.
Elben, Elfen, Faune,
Naturgeister,
magisch natürliche Wesen.

Und wenn ich meine Augen schließe,
dann kann ich sie sehen,
tanzend
im Mondlicht.
Silberweiser Vollmond,
lautlos,
unbemerkt von der
lauten,
kalten Welt
um uns herum,
wild,
ungezähmt,
wunderschön,
wie dieser Ort selbst.

Und mittendrin
ich,
im Hier und Jetzt,
auf dem Thron
des Elbenfürsten...
wenn es ihn denn
noch gibt.

Montag-Morgen-Raureif-Sonnenschein-Natur-Magie...
8.2.07 18:13


Faerie

I found a place on monday morning that really impressed me:
A tiny park just outside our schoolbuilding....

A small place, uncared and unlooked for, as it seems, surrounded by high walls of stone....
A place as wonderful and magical as I have ever seen....

All paths are grown over with gras and covered with dead leaves of the last year. Everything was covered by a thin layer of ice, hoarfrost, glittering like cristal, like jewels on the ground.
Trees and small bushes, covered with ivy, like in a magical, enchanted forest... a small glade in a fairyforest, Elven forest, as it were.
And right in the middle: A massive seat of carved stone, ornamented with carvings... like runes upon an Elvenking's throne it felt.... The seat was green, covered with moss... and as fascinating, inspiring, fantasy-reviving, as the whole place itself...

What I really felt was that, if they do exist and are still living in this world, Elves must be living in a place exactly like this...
Not in the dark middle of impentrable forests, but in secret, hidden, light places like this, amongst us and yet unseen, unrealised.
It really felt as if in another world, a small patch of a pagan, beautiful, magical world of the Germans and Celts, or even of modern humans' fantasy... something special, for sure....

And in my mind I could see the Fair Folk dance on this morning, under a cold sun and under the silver moonlight, wild and beautiful as the place itself, awesome and admirable, untamed and untouched by our modern, measured and cold, capitalist world...

If in any place they are still gathering, Elves, Fairies, children of magic, spirits of nature, and if they do exist, it is in places like this.....
I only wish I could be sure of the possibility... I only wish we could still believe that they might be there... having dealt with Elves so much, I really feel we lack this natural magical side of this world nowadays... those multivalent, complex, wonderful creatures... and honestly, this place was closest to any elven estate I could ever imagine... a lot like Lorien... in feeling, not in appearance...
A small, magical glade in the great, confusing jungle of our modern worlds, our small city...

A small place of shelter, beauty, and the simple, subtle magic of nature itself....
8.2.07 18:50


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