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Just thoughts of two years...

Jetzt, im neuen Jahr, denke ich, ich sollte einiges nachholen und nachtragen...
Die Gedichte unten sind zum Teil auf Deutsch, zum Teil auf Englisch, entstanden zwischen Dezember 2004 und Januar 2006...
ein kleiner Einblick in das, was mich die letzten Jahre besch?ftigt hat...

ich denke, ich sollte es einfach mal gesagt, jemandem mitgeteilt haben...

mehrere Gedichte besch?ftigen sich mit demselben, oder einem ?hnlichen Thema, allerdings einmal Deutsch, einmal Englisch...
mehrere Versionen ein und desselben Gef?hls...

~~~

Now that a new year has just begun I think I should blog some older things... just as a kind of review of the last two years?
The poems, English or German, deal with me and what I thought and felt between December 2004 and now? I just tried to put myself in words, as always, when I?m writing?
I just wanted to say these things following? somehow?

A few poems are dealing with the same topic, only once in English, once in German?
Two sides of the same emotion?

~~~

Dezember 2004

?

Du bist so dumm,
du Kind,
sehenden Auges blind...!
Alle Schmerzen ignorierend,
leidend unter ihnen,
bist du doch selber Schuld!

Bin gestorben, ein Teil von mir
Hab mich an Scherben geklammert,
dabei Seele und Herz zerfetzt,
die Pulsadern meines Geistes aufgeschlitzt,
ausgeblutet,
ausgek?hlt,
Herz erfroren,
Gef?hle kalt.
Selbst zu Eis erstarrt.
Samtschwarze Dunkelheit,
mich umfangend,
Einsamkeit,
Seelentod.

Nimm mich in den Arm,
las mich deine N?he sp?ren,
irgendwie,
irgendwer,
ganz egal!
Will nicht deine Liebe,
hab keine Seele mehr,
kann nicht mehr lieben,
totes Herz,
doch noch am Leben
schreit mein K?rper nach Liebe,
W?rme,
s?chtig,
nach etwas, das nicht mehr existiert.
Will keine Liebe mehr,
nur W?rme sp?ren,
Gewissheit, noch nicht tot zu sein,.
Noch immer schl?gt mein totes Herz,
zittern die Gef?hle,
lebt die Seele,
das Erfrorene in mir.

Lass mich meinen K?rper sp?ren,
um zu wissen:
Ich bin noch da!
Weck mich auf,
irgendwann im Sommer,
und tau meine Seele auf,
f?lle meine Seele,
gib mir wieder ein Leben!

Irgendwer,
irgendwann,
irgendwie...
v?llig egal!

~~~

November ? Dezember 2005/November - December 2005


Lieder nach dir

Nach dir
ist alles anders.
Nichts wird sein,
wie es war?
Du fehlst mir.
Ich denk an dich.
Es tut weh,
ohne dich.
Allein,
Dunkelheit,
K?lte.
Im longing for your embrace!
Doch die Lieder nach dir sind anders?
Ich werd nicht
My happy ending,
h?ren,
und nicht Durch die Nacht
weinen?
Nicht schreien
Gib mir mein Herz zur?ck
und In the end
Vielleicht werde ich wieder weinen,
My Immortal,
aber nicht mehr bei
Sinfonie?,
Unser Lied geht weiter,
nur das Thema ?ndert sich,
3. Satz;
Werd nicht mehr weinend zu
Dead letters
schweigen.
Die Zeit mit dir war meine Letzte Version
vom Paradies,
nein Rausch auf Zeit?
?brig jetzt nur
? lovesong in mir,
Silberregen, leiser.
Nie werd ich denken
Ich hasse dich;
und f?r dein Leben
Nach mir??
Es ist egal,
welche Musik ich h?re?
Ich werde weinen, schreien,
aber nie
an dich denken
in Bitterkeit,
kalt.
it?s not My lullaby for love,
irgendwie
werd ich bei dir sein.
Ich bereu es nicht!
Ich danke dir
f?r unsere Zeit,
f?r so viel...
I only cry for love...
und wieder ist es wahr?

But one day
friendship will dry
all tears?
If only I could
kiss you one last time?
I love you!
Goodbye!
~~~


My songs of the end

After all I?ve been through,
a new time is rising?
a sad moon,
a cold night.
I?ve been longing for your embrace,
since the last time
my heart came crashing down.
You gave me wings to fly again,
lifted me up,
into the clouds.
Thank you for our time!
And now?
Once again
I?ve fallen from the sky,
once again I?m down.
And yet it?s not the same?
I won?t cry In the End again,
won?t scream for you to let me go,
to give me back my heart.
I?ll never sing,
feel My happy ending
for never you deceived me?
I?ll shed tears
My immortal
but I won?t drown in them:
I haven?t lost you,
our time was just
a tiny slice
of heaven,
to me,
emotions flying high.
Now what?s left is
half a lovesong,
in my heart,
your face,
your warmth,
your laugh
in my mind?
I won?t listen to
songs of anger,
thinking of you.
I?ll listen to those
of sadness and memory,
keeping you
in my heart,
showered by cold,
silver rain.
It hurts to know
it?s over,
but all that?s left
is pain and memory,
no anger, bitterness, hatred...
It?s a Bittersweet symphony,
this life.
It?s a bittersweet symphony
of love.

I shall cry,
miss you much,
but as long as you stay in my life,
I won?t drown again.
It doesn?t matter,
as long as you are near.
Beyond the time,
I?ll fly again,
I?ll thank heaven,
and sky
and sea
for just having had
a little time
you shared with me.
I won?t beg you to let me go,
let go of my heart,
for I don?t want
it back.
I love you.
Please remember me
just one happy moment.
I?ll miss you,
but I?ll be happy
with you
close to me,
though in a distance.
This is my Lullaby for love
But I hope it will wake up
one day?
and I?m sure it will!

~~~


You

It was you who
has torn my soul to pieces!
After pain and tears,
you ripped my heart apart!
Everything was fine,
hurting inside,
all the time,
but it was okay,
under your eyes.
But now,
you don?t even look at me,
ignore me,
kill me
inside.
Please,
I cry,
I scream,
I beg you:
LOOK AT ME!!!
Beat me up,
physically,
emotionally,
pull me down,
rip me to pieces,
shout at me,
hate me,
just do something,
anything
to me!!!
And I?
I?ll be happy.
Bruised all over,
covered in blood and tears,
broken heart,
but alive.
I?ll be glad
if you?d do
anything to me?
admit that I exist,
something existed between us.
Just stop ignoring me!
Whatever you do!
You torturing me,
killing my soul,
ripping me apart?

and I bet you don?t even know
what you are doing to me
by doing
nothing?

~~~


Heute
bist du nichts anderes
als ein winziges
Zahnrad
einer gigantischen Maschine.
Konsum.
Du gehst,
konsumierst,
hast Spa?,
Sex,
drugs and
Rock ?n? Roll,
alles,
und innerlich
zerf?llt man...

Weil es nichts mehr gibt
in dieser Welt
f?r das man lebt,
au?er das
System.
Au?er Geld,
Konsum.
Heute
sind wir keine Menschen mehr,
nichts besonderes...
nur Zahnr?der.

~~~


Nowadays
you are nothing but
a tiny gearwheel,
a part of a
gigantic machine.
consumption.
You go,
consume,
your having fun,
Sex,
Drugs
and Rock `n` Roll,
everything,
whatever you want.
And falling apart
from the inside?

because there?s nothing
left in this world
worth
living for.
Only the System!
Only money,
wealth,
power,
insanity!
Seen for the world
we are no humans
anymore,
nothing special?
only gearwheels.

~~~

Maye some of those who know me will understand me better after reading this... if they ever do, which I doubt...



Sometimes I feel that there?s no one left who is close to me and understands me... I hope I understand myself... but I?m not to sure about that any more...
2006 is going to be a year of hard thinking and learning for me, I suppose... I hope it?s going to be a good one..

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL OF YOU!
7.1.06 14:44


I think I?ve moved on somehow...

I used to be so damned angry with my ex boyfriend, all the time... Okay, first I was just down and depressed, and then, after the holidays, I just got terribly angry... Because he was just ignoring me. I entered a room, he left it. He stood with a coupple of friends of mine, chatting and so on, I went to say hello, he left... It drove me mad! I mean, he treads me like a piece of filth or whatsoever, like I have done terrible things to him, and I?m not aware of having done so! It?s just not fair!

I mean, if he wants distance and that I should leave him alone it?s fine. Really, I wouldn?t mind that, but just ignoring me and running away from me without saying a word? If he just said he doesn?t want to talk to me or see me or whatever, at the moiment or for the rest of his life, it would be fine because I?d know what?s going on....
I mean, of course I wouldn?t be happy if he didn?t want to keep up a friendship... he was, or still is, a very good friend of mine, and I don?t want to loose him, no ways...

And I decided that he still means very much to me... I don?t want to be angry anymore, I just like him far to much for being angry all the time... I don?t want to be angry, I don?t want to turn to hate him one day... I mean, I have done a lot of mistakes in our relationship, and he has as well, but that is not what I see now... what I see is what I?ve lost, and I fear it?s going to get worse... It would be very hard to loose him as a friend after loosing him as a boyfriend... he?s just too important to me to accept that...

But it?s not easy to bear to be ignored... to be not even looked at... I mean, he even spoke to me yesterday... I wished him a good weekend when I left the bus, he said he wished me one too... without even looking at me...
I don?t want this... I want to know what there is, what is going on... I just wnat to be sure, and I don?t want to be unseen.... I?ll just try and go and talk to him, and I hope it?ll come a little good of it...

Because even knowing that he doesn?t ever want to speak to me again would be better than suffering unseen, hoping and getting angry and... I don?t know, it just feels bad!!!!

I just want to know for sure....

and I want him to know that it?s not okay how he tread s me at the moment... not without telling me why.
I think, as a friend and a ex girlfriend of him, I?ve got a right to know what he is thinking about me right now... even if he hates me...
everything would be easier to bear than being overlooked on purpose.


Let?s see how our story goes on... there?ll be the beginnihng of a new chapter on monday, I suppose...
14.1.06 13:18


Further development....

I?ve finally done it...

I?ve spoken to my ex-boyfriend, and to be honest: I feel a lot better now, although it?s weird as I don?t know anything more than I did before... I mean, I told him everything I had to say, I actually told him face to face, I did write it down, but I never gave him the letter... I have spoken to him. And though he couldn?t tell me anything that could help me from a logical point of view... it?s an improvement. I mean, he told me it?s hard to be near me in our situation (as if it hasn?t been hard for me... but no hard words, it?s okay), and that he doesn?t know wether he ever wants to ?have close contact to me, a friendship again...

I wonder somehow... this should strike me badly, this should really pull me down, but it doesn?t... it doesn?t at all. I mean, h?is important to me, as a friend, but if he doesn?t want to... I can?t say it?s fine, but that?s something I can deal with, something I can live with...

We kept on talking for a while, and went of in different directions... quite a symbol for our lives, I suppose... All I did was wishing him luck, all the best for his life... I really want him to be happy. But he will go his way, and I will go mine. There?s no griefor anything left in me now, there?s no pain anymore... that?s how it is. We will both go our way, and if I can have him by my side, it will be great, but if not... it?ll be okay.

I am myself, and I am strong. That?s all I have to know. I?ll go my way, no matter what others think about it. And I?ve moved on...

I don?t need him on my side to live... I think I?m as happy as I can be at the moment... It?s good to take action if you feel that there?s need to, it feels good to know you?ve done something...

And in spite of none of my questions being answered, I feel a lot better now.... as I know so much more.

I think it?s only experience that you learn from... only pain, and to know how to ease or dissolve it, will make you wise one day...
19.1.06 16:21


Seeing yourself change...

I have stopped waiting...
I used to stay still and wait for anything to get all right, but it doesn?t work that way; I have understood that now... it might be late, but I?ve learned that lesson.
I have to take action to change things. And it feels good that I have done so. I?ve also started to be better to myself, to force myself to do things to pull me up again when I?m down... I used to sit and grief and pity myself a lot when I was down... But I decided that I shouldn?t let people bring me down that far...especially if I call them my friends nd they are close to me.

I?ll have to deal with conflicts, and I?ve started to. And I need to find ways to not hang on to somebody as strong as I have done until now...especially in relationships... I have put all my heart into it, and when I fell, I was lost, somehow... I have to grow more flexible and independent...mostly independent.
And I think so I do. At least I have made the first steps... and more will follow.

I?m responsible for my life... I really should start working on it.... improving it , and mostly my character, when there?s need to... But nevertheless stay myself...

I just want to find a way to be happy... And I think you never can be when you tie yourself to someone, put you soul in bonds, by accident or on purpose... I?ll try not todo so anymore... who can tell how far this will get me, or how long I can hold on to this tghought.... For you can never be completly free, but you are only as free as you allow yourself to be.

And I should allow myself to be free in a relationship, and in friendships... I think I?m beginning to cut my bonds, not the bonds of friendship, but those that cut once in a while.... those bonds I use to tie myself to all my stupid habbits that only lead to me hurting myself...
I suppose there?ll be a day I?ll find the balance to be free... And I?m convinced this day will come...
But ?t?ll be some road to go, some work to do... well I?ve entered that road, I won?t leave it again!

19.1.06 16:29


Just a very short line by Dean Thomas that really impressed me:

~~ Do not go gently into that good night. ~~


I think that?s quite a theme to live after, isn?t it? No matter what this good night might mean...
19.1.06 16:31





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