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Just something to say

Hello there, yes, I?m still alive!

I just decided that most of my blog is going to be in English from now, and so there may be very few things to be written in here... I think most of the stuff I?ll write will go into my "Day after day" part of the blog, so just have a look in there if everything?s empty in here, okay

Thanks a lot!
6.11.05 17:03


Serious thinking...

Honestly, my mind makes me think I?m going crazy sometimes...

I love my life, and I?m very grateful for everything I?ve got.. Actually my life is fantastic and I think I haven?t earned half the pleasures I just get everyday, without even thinking... you understand me.
But there are days I just wonder what?s the sense of all this... what my life actually means, and there are days everything seems just so meaningles... I kmean, just look around you, what kind of world is it we are living within? What kind of age?

There were times when battles were fought man by man, one against the other, and the leaders of the armies were close to battle, actually fought... of course it were inhuman times and it was cruel and terrible and everything, but at least it was a kind of fair, wasn?t it? Sure, there was luck, but if you were good you survived and if you were a mess at fighting you died, that?s it! And now? Some poeple sitting there, drinking tea, deciding there?s going to be war and so it happens... they send their aeroplanes, their soldiers, their bombs, and what?s left when day have finished is dead women, children, men, soldiers, a lot of waste and even more suffering, Surviving a war doesn?t depend on your skills anymore, it?s just a matter of good or bad luck, a matter of where you stand when the bombs drop... that?s not fair at all! And the ones who decided the war? They don?t know anything about it, they?ve never been in battle, they are just sitting in their houses, comfortably deciding their troops next moves. No one has to face the enemy any more, you don?t have to watch people dying anymore, it?s enough to push a button to kill thousands of people!!!!
What about Hiroshima, Nagasaki? What was that for, how many soldiers died in that attacks, and how many innocent people? The mad thing about war today is that those who have nothing to do with it suffer the most, and it?s become so easy to kill people, way to easy... and honestly, which of the wars the media talk about is fought for justice or to actually help people? What aboput all those people in Africa, Uganda, Zaire? There are civil wars, there have always been, and nobody cares about it! what age is it we are living in?

But my problem is not only the wars, is society and everything... half the world is starving, and what are we doing? We eat, and buy new, fancy cloths and dance and watch movies... I mean, I?m against the whole system, somehow... we just do what we are told to by the media, the government, the society, we all play our roles and don?t think about it very much, because it?s so easy,aand it?s so normal... all we try is not to draw attention to ourselves by being different. We buy the music we are told to listen to, we watxh the movies we are told to watch, we have the hobbies we are told to have... I now what I say is the extreme, of course there?s freedom of the choice, but so little...
It?s so easy to close your eyes and pretend you don?t see and dance on with all the others... and all this becomes so meaningles by doing so... what?s the sense of my life? It?s not buying stuff and going to school and being educated and getting a job, but what then? Why am I doing all that stuff if it doesn?t mean anything in the end?
Where have all our values and morales gone? Where has freedom gone?
I think freedom never existed... to be free is just an illusion, you can?t be, even if you think you are, you are depending on something... people you love, the society, your home... but then, what does freedom mean? If there?s no freedom in this world, what is all this worth? I mean, we are living in vchains all our life, even if we don?t feel them...

And night after night I feel my mind slipping away and the world changing inside my head as I change my point of view and everything loosing its meaning... Night after night my world falls apart and I feel captured in a cage of expectations of others and the way I?m ought to live my life and I see no way of spreading my wings and ever be free...
Night after night I just feel that there?s neither sense nor fairness in this game of life, and I feel guilty and ashamed, because I?m just playing the game, maybe not as close to the rules as others do, but I?m just a very small part of a gigantic machine, and I?m working for the system, as everyone does... Night after night I just don?t know what to do, how to be free...

Do any of you understand me?
I don?t really, I just know that it?s weird to think that way.

And still I can?t find the meaning of myself being here... trapped in a system I love and hate and without a chance to break out and survive...

And all I want is to be free...
Maybe freedom is dead, but maybe it never existed.
But who could tell?

What kind of age is it we are living in?
6.11.05 17:36


My future

It?s just strange how you change growing up...
A few weeks ago I thought I?d have so much time to make decisions, so much time to think about my future and so much time to just have fun a bit. But now...

I?m in a relationship right now, and I know it won?t work... we are arguing quite often, not seriously, but I think we just don?t understand each other... We hurt each other without realising it and try to blame each other for things going wrong and.. I mean, it?s childish, and it?s just because of being stubborn and proud sometimes, but that?s not the point...

I really, really love my boyfriend, he is complicated, but he is such an important person for me in my life, I just don?t want to loose him. But I realised that our relationship won?t last for ever, I mean, he?s a great guy and all, but I?m sure I don?t want to have a family with him, we are just too different, after all. I really love him, but I know it won?t work for three, five, ten years, whatever... But still, that?s no reason to break up as long as I am happy right now, or is it? For me it?s not. It?s just hard to know there?s an end you can?t avoid, but well... I don?t think about tomorrow that much in that matter, I just try to be happy with what I?ve got.

But on the other hand I started to get afraid a little. I mean, it?s just two more years and I?m twenty, than ten more and I?m thirty... My cousin is thirty now, and still she isn?t married... She?s got such a nice boyfriend, if you want to call it like that at that age, and I really hope they?ll stay together, but I?m getting afraid of ... well, sort of being left behing, missing the train, you know....
I just fear I won?t get to know that ONE GUY... I believe in this one big love, and it?s just... I wonder how it feels to know that you found the one person you want to spend your whole lifetime with... I?m just scared that my time is running out, apart from the fact that I?m just 18...
All my life, my plans and everything, have changed 180? somehow... I?ve dreamt of having a boyfriend since I was twelve, but I never really thought about my future... I never wanted to have children, or marry... and now...

I was in contact with so many small children recently... and I changed my mind. I want to have children of my own, not now, and not in any time soon, but sometimes... In fact, I think it?s my worst fear getting a child now or within the next few years, bnut I want to get children when I?m older... I?m still not sure if I want to marry, but I want to find my second part, my "one big love", even if it sounds silly and childish. Not now, and not in any time sooner than a few years perhaps, and I think if I break up with my boyfriend I won?t try to find anybody for quite a long time, because that?ll hurt like hell again, and I?ll lose much more than I did when I broke up with my first boyfriend, but someday... As I said, I?m not talking about the near future, but about things to come in five or ten years.

But who knows, maybe everything will be completely different... I don?t know what?s going to happen, and life means change and changing yourselfe, so maybe everything will come just in a way nobody had ever expected... I?ll just wait, see and make my decisions.
And above all, I?ll try to be happy!!!!
6.11.05 18:37


Shocking yourself

I don?t know if I?ve already written about this toppic, so sorry in case I bother you with it twice...

There are some situations you just realise something about yourself and get shocked... I guess everyone has had an experience like this in his or her life. I had to think about one recently...

First there has to be a little bit of explanation, I think...
I?m a great LotR fan, and for me watching the movies is a bit like escaping the real world... I?m just watching and thinking all the time: What would I do if I were in there, stood next to those guys and so on. I don?t lose grip of reality or anything, and I know perfectly well that everything isn?t real and has never happened and all, nor ever will... it?s just some sort of living another side of myself...

There?s a movie about the last days of Hitler and those guys close to him in WW II. It?s a German production and it?s damned good... honestly, I think the movie is quite honest about the events and all, and it shows the cruelty and senselessnes of war, especially WW II, but it also shows the despair of those peple who fought until the end, who refused to give in, who fought for their ideals.
It?s shocking to see several people killuing themselves when they get news that the war is finally over, that Germany gave up... They fought for wrong ideals, but it was what they believed in. Their aim was more important than their lives or families.
And here comes what shocked me: I know how they felt, I can understand their thoughts... Fight until the end, even if there?s no chance to win... Never give up, never give in, your aim, the thing your fighting for, is everything... Follow your captain, whatever it means, and if it?s death... I thought so myself... imagining being in middle-earth...
You always think that won?t have happened to me, I would never have fought if everything was lost, I would never have prosecuted people because of what they believe, I would never have stopped thinking and followed a mad guy... but would you?

It?s so easy to say, but you?ve never been in such situations... what shocked me is that I would be prepared to follow someobne into certain death, or at least a part of me. Honestly I don?t thibnk I?d ever be brave enough to do such things, in real life I?d probably just run, but in my imagination, if I were brave.... I can understand those people, I?ve thought their thoughts... Fighting for a thing that means more than life to them...
And that a part of my mind even dares to place anything above my life and health, some ideology above sanity, that?s what shocks me.
Of course you can?t compare the LotR situation to the real situation in WW II, but nevertheless this part of my mind shocked me... because now I?m not so sure how I would have acted under the pressure of the Nazi-regime, or their propaganda, as it was only too easy to adapt and believe.. they were damned intelligent in getting poeple into their stuff, as stupid as they were in their ideology (God, how poeple can be so sick... disgusting!!!!) I just don?t know, and that?s hard, because that "maybe illusion" of being different to all those people living in that time is gone, that certainity that nothing like that could happen again... In fact, people don?t change, and they haven?t in the last seventy years...

Maybe I?m not any different to those people... except for my way to think, the way I was educated...
And that?s shocking... to realise that all those monsters were just poeple like us... like me!
6.11.05 19:13


Senses

Whatever you do, you need your senses... you use them... every single waking moment you are seeing, feeling, listening to something... and all seems so normal and ordinary to you..

I thought about all that today... what would life be like if you couldn?t see any more? Or hear, or feel? We take all that for granted, but it isn?t!

I think, the worst thing that can happen to you is to become deaf... I mean, that?s what I?d fear most... Not being able to communicate any more...

Even though our senses are weak compared to those of animals, they are admirable... they open the world to us... we should remember that, everyday... as we use them every day without even thinking...
16.11.05 21:39


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