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Farewell from Middle-earth....

"Well, I am back"

The last words of the Lord of the Rings.... and just what I thought after having finished the book... I am back to the real world, I have left Middle-earth... again.
Somehow it was weird... I knew the book, I knew its ending, and I was looking forward to finish it, and then I just thought: Already? That has been it? Nothing more to read. Yes, nothing more. The tale is told to an end, it is finished.
I cherished reading it again. Travelling in Middle-earth again, in my mind. And I really did see it with different eyes... I had not read it for so long, and my own point of view had changed, as I had changed myself. I have grown up.
I have laughed and cried reading it, thought at different parts of the story than before... I have seen more of the world, have looked deeper into it, understood the characters better than when I had read it last time. And now it is over. I have returned to the real world.

And all that remains now is the hope that it will grow a bit more like Middle-earth than it is now. It gives hope to read about rufians cast out, evil destroyed, the world restored, made better than it had been for a long while. But this world is not Middle-earth... Mordor is all around us, every day. We live it, breath it, are dependent on it. Unfortunatelly. People are not how they should be, and this world is not what it should be like, not at all....
But I feel that it is not something like the great people of the story that we need nowadays... just a bit of ordinary hobbit-sense would do, I think, to improve a lot. Just open eyes, and care, and some deep, earthy wisdom, somehow.... But people are no hobbits... our world is different, and I fear that nothing lost shall be regained, and few things remembered. Humans are growing ignorant, blin... but they have always been, I do ot doubt that.
It is twice hard to lay aside the book, in a way. Once because a wonderful story has come to a bittersweet ending, secondly because a world is left behind much better than ours is now, a world of great and kind people, elves, magic, deeper than the magic tricks of other fantasy stories... it touches some point deep within my heart, I cannot tell why I like this world Tolkien created so much. Maybe because it recalles the memory of how our world has been once, in tmes now far away and removed, in the Middle-Ages or even before that, when people were still honourable and believing in wonders and virtues... When people have been good still, noble, kind, generous.

But as a friend of mine put it: I am a dreamer. I always have been. People were never like that, I guess, and will never be, I am almost sure. Sadly though it is. The story is ended. This world goes on, for a time still, and I hope it comes to brighter days. I will keep on hoping and dreaming, I guess... I am a hopeless case, too soft, believing it might one day be so. Maybe I have to believe, for if I didn't what sense was there to live on in this rotten world, doomed to decay and downfall?
I will dream on, and cherish what good I find in this world. And be glad that whenever it watching the news becomes to painful I can flee into another world, for a little while, and rekindle the hope of better times. Just keep on dreaming, while my imagination is still awake and alive enough. And I do hope it will always be. I do hope I will never loose the path to Middle-earth, or to the Ink-World, or Hogwarts... it means too much to me...

The tunes have faded, but the song never dies. It lives forth to eternity.
Dreamer come and go, but a dreams forever!!!

(Grave words, and weird ones... I hope you don't declare me insane, but understand what I mean...*smile*)
Rian am 10.4.07 14:52

Just do it!

That's what I told myself yesterday, and just like that, without any particular reason, I went for an 1 hour run... I went jogging all through the village...

It was funny. I found myself listening to my music, jogging along, sometimes sprinting, a few times walking, and it was funny, because I had no real plan where to go.. it was as if my feet just carried me, without any conscious decisions of where to go next. I just kept on running, and the path was laid before me. As I've said, I went a lot further than I expected myself to be able to, and that was really cool....

OIt was od anyway... it felt as if my feet just kept on running after some time, regardless of some muscles complaining sometimes... I just did it, without really thinking. I ran up and down some stairs for about 4 minutes without any particular reason.... It was just running, exercise, and listening to my music. I cannot remember having thought aboput anything in particular, it was just having my body working while I was lost in my music, somehow... it was quite cool, and I am proud of just having gotten my bum up and done it... it's so easy to think about such things, but akll you actually have to do is make the first step, and all the rest will come of it... but only if one stops making excuses.... I am glad I just did it yesterday...

And afterwards, feeling quite well, but a bit exhausted and tired (even aching today... my legs have not forgiven it yet :-)), I just had a shower: hot and icy cold... I have seldom before felt more alive, or better.... I have found a new fountain of drugs produced by your own body... coldness! And with the opportunity to snuggle into your own warm bed, feel the blanket and watch TV... that's one of the greatest things I found I could do.... Strange what our body does if forced to react to extremes, somehow... euphoria in return... but I am glad my body does such things.... it just felt good, and right...

I guess I have to start running regularly... hope it is addictive! And it's always just one step away.
Rian am 7.3.07 22:40

The power of mind

I found it astonishing what people can achiev just by wanting it....

And I found it surprising to be myself able to do so much more than I though... rather small achievements, I must admit, but nevertheless, to me it means a lot. It showed me that I can go further than I thought myself... and that's an impressive and a good thing to feel and to know.

One of these occasions was when we did divuing over klong distances at lifeguard training... I know I can reach 25 metres, but that day I just didn't expect myself to do so... we had had training before, and so I was a bit out of breath, but I just tried, to see what I can do... and I did it! I reached the other side of the pool, 25 metres... despite of my body yelling for oxygen. I saw my goal, and I just kept on gowing, despite of my muscles and body telling me to go up and breath again. I kept on... one more, only one more... I was reluctant to give up and fail with my goal in sight, and I just did it...
It was an amazing feeling of joy to come up there again, proud of myself, exhausted, panting, but contend... I can do it, if only I want to!

Another thing was that I just started jogging yesterday... I set myself some goals along the road, and at each one for almos 45 minutes I just ran by and thought of the next one.... despite of my muscles paining a little and feeling a bit shaky - well not exactly, but feeling that it would be very pleasant to stop, that's what I mean - I just ran on... I passed so many of my own goals... And I never gave in and slowed down before I reached one, even if I felt that I could not go on anymore... at least not much.... just get ypurself to do the next step....

It is good to know that I have reserves I never expected to find in me. It's good to know of my own power of mind....
Though, as said before, it is small compared to others... willpower might move mountains indeed!
Rian am 7.3.07 22:28


Es kam einfach so über mich....


wie sind sie damals ausgezogen,
die jungen Romantiker,
Wie hoch waren ihre Hoffnungen,
als sie loszogen,
den Horizont zu haschen.

Wie schwärmten sie
von Liebe,

Wie strebten sie nach Leben,
nach Glück,
nach der welt hinter
der unseren-

ihrer wahren Welt.

Wie träumten sie
mit ihrem zweiten Augenpaar
von diesem Ort
wo alles, alles

Erfüllung fand:
Liebe und Musik,
Licht und Leben,
Kunst und Poesie.

Das wahre Leben,
die wahre Hoffnung,
ein Sinn, eine Bedeutung,
endlich das Zeil vor Augen.

Wie schwärmten sie
von Sehnsucht,
Wanderschaft, Natur,

Wie haben sie über uns gelacht,
und verachtet,
uns Philister
in unserer kleinen Welt.

Eingesperrt im golddenen Käfig,
gefangen in unserer kleinen Welt,
voll Alltag, Geld, Rang und Namen
und Sinnlosigkeit.

Dunkle Träume auf kristallenen Kissen,
enge Welt,
eingeflöochetn in Plicht und Moral
Tellerrand zu eng, Lebensinn verloren.

Wie haben sie uns verspottet,
uns kleine Seelen,
beschränkt auf Geld und Ruhm,
auf Weltlichkeit und Gitterstäbe.

Wie hoch waren ihre Hoffnungen,
ihre hehren Ziele,
ihre Lebenslust,
Eichendorf, Brentano und Novalis.

Hymnen an die Nacht,
Mondnächte, Wanderschaft,
Flug und Traum,
Wahrheit und Illusion.

Leben in allen Formen und Farben,
Liebe, Sinn
- Romantik!

Und wie sind sie gefallen
wie Sterne aus dem Himmel,
zerschlagen auf der Erde,
verloschen am Lebensende

als sie erkannten,
dass der Horizont
kein Ende nimmt,
immer ferner rückt-

je näher man ihm kommt.

Wie sind sie gefallen,
in Wüsten aus Eis und Schnee

Aus Trockenheit und Wasser,
bverdammt zu Wanderschaft,
allein, verlassen
von der Illusion.

Zersprungen der Traum,
sinnlos das Leben,
unnerreicht der wahre Sinn,
die wahre Welt-

das Paradies auf Erden.

Wie haben sie
ihre Träume verloren,
wurde Sehnsucht zur Qual,
Träume zu Asche und Staub.

Soll ich sie bemitleiden?
Mitfühlen, für ihren Sturz,
bewusst werden ihrer

Soll ich über sie nur
lachen, über ihre Dummheit,
das Unerreichbare zu suchen?
Zu suchen und nie zu finden?

Soll ich ihre Träume
und Illusionen
verlachen, verspotten,
wissen ihrer Torheit?

Oder soll ich weinen,
weil ich die Welt, die sie suchten
nie finden werde,
nie ertäumen werde

für mich selbst?

Weil meine Welt kalt ist,
regiert von Philistern,
die nicht hinter die welt sehen,
sie nicht erkennen?

Nicht wissen, was sie bedeutet,
wie sie atmet und lebt
und träumt?

Sehe nicht auch ich zum Mond
und träume von seiner Magie,
Licht vom Himmel

Träume nicht ich auch
vom Sinn des Lebens,
von der Magie der Dinge
von Schönheit, Sehnsucht und Reise?

Vielleicht sollte ich weinen,
denn ich weiß,
dass meine Reise endlos sein wird,
ziellos, und ich

verloren und einsam.
Dass auch ich scheitern werde,
noch bevor ich
den ersten Schritt mache.

Ich habe die Welt verloren lange bevor ich begann, sie zu suchen.
Arme Romantiker,
Arme, kalte Welt!

Und doch: Ich lebe! Ich atme, ich Träume!
DIe Sehnsucht stirbt erst
mit meinem letzten Atmenzug.
Rian am 6.3.07 19:47

Talking of change once more....

It is a weird thought, but more and more frequent I wonder when I will stop seeing me as a girl and start seeing myself as a woman...

I mean, I see all my friends as girls and boy still, not as men and women, apart from knowing we are all quite grown up and at age...

MAybe it's unneccessary to distinctbetween girl and woma, but it really strikes me....
I womnder when I will see myself as a fully grown up person, as a complete member of society, not a grown teenager anymore...

There are some moments when I have the picture of me as a woman in my mind just then... but not too often...

And if I look into the mirror, I see a teenager, grown up, "deeper", but still a teenager, not an adult....

But well, maybe that's just the best way it could be....

I was just wondering...
Rian am 12.2.07 12:40

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