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By the way...

Oh, by the way, I sat my first Abitur-exam yesterday.... German...

The first hour was horrible, and I don't thoink I wrote anything exceedingly good or worth a great mark, but it was no catastrophy.... I think it's going to be an average B, so it will be fine....

I was feeling so weird.... my mind was like a sieve at first, it couldn't keep anything I read, I didn't comprehend anything at all.... I don't know why I chose the topic I wrote about, three of the four were okay actually..... a basis to work on... OI just began to write about the poem.... Johann Wolfgang Goethe.... Wiederfinden...

I like his poems... he is great at conjuring up images in the readers mind, and a s soon as I was able to explain those imagers, analyse his stylistic devises and metaphors I enjoyed writing.... the poem was okay, I only hope I interpreted it the right way... and didn't explain less stylistic devces than I should.... but well, I took into account everything they wanted me to, his text about the colours that was given as well, and the way people and the world were seen at his time... I even explained why this is to be found out htrough the poem...

The b) question wasn't as bad as I feared either.... I had to compare the influence of modern sciences on literature in Goethes poem and some other literary work... I chose an author of an earlier time, of the age of enlightenment, who didn't take sciences into account, but strenghened the claim of God as the only real "scientific law" and the highest joy and aim.... I think that was okay..... and I hope that I wrote something really sensible somewhere within these twenty pages I covered with ink....

considering I felt so abashed that I nearly considered handing in the empty paper I did quite well... I really think it was one of the worst hours of my life until I started interpreting..... but well, I'll see what came - or will come - of it....

I am just glafd it is over now... the next ones won't be that bad now, I hope.....
Rian am 12.5.07 19:18


Thoughts....

Long time no see...

There are so many thoughts in my head... questions...

Thinking about the nature of humanity, about our souls, about death and our own vanity, mortality.... do I have toi care whether anybody is going to remember me once I am dead or not? I don't know.....

Sometoimes I wonder what it feels like to die, to be dead... I mean, I am not keen on finding out, not yet.... not yet for a long time to come.... but sometimes I am curious.... but by no means curious enough to try to find out.....

I wonder whether or not I am going to find answers to all this questions running through my mind, t all the riddles lives plays with me, all the riddles to think about.... all those questions I can't even figure out clearly in my head.... somethimes I just lack the words.... language can be so unfutile.... failing...

Just as my comprehension of myself... what do I really want? Where do I want my road to lead me? I don't know... just going on.....

But what for? Something has to change, humans have top change, but why should I try if five thousand years of history and ountcounted books, poems, speeches, plays, dramas, education have not changed anything.... it seems to get worse instead of better... are we lost already? Have I given up already? Is there any sense in fighting... but someone has to....

It is all so wrong, so much is endangered.... we stand right in front of a chasm... an abbys called decay and destruction... the end, maybe? I don't know.....And actually, I shouldn't feel depresed and gloomy like that at all... iIn fact, I am feeling fine, writing without rreal emotion, just with my mind and clear senses, perception....

Questions, questions in the twilight.... I am confused, uncertain....
Rian am 12.5.07 19:06


Nature

Spring this time is amazing! Just the opposite of last years grey, cold time.... yes, global warming is making itself felt here in the northern lands...*g*

It is warmer than usual, like early summer, but nature is alive as it has seldom been before. All the trees are blossoming, it feels like walking under rose and white clouds.... everything around is green, warm, alive, and friendly.

I have a little chestnut in my flowerbed, my own one... I plantet it - well, her, I should say - there about five years ago, and now she has reached a height almost four heads taller than I am.... She is beautiful! And blossoming for the first time this year... it didn't take her two weeks to start blossoming from the first budds that could be seen. Small brown dots, hardly noteable against the branches and trunk, and then small green patches at first. Everyday the leaves grew bigger and brighter, and now the first blosoms have opened....

I can watch her grow, everyday.... The miracle of life..... It is a shame we don't pay attention to these small changes any more.... it is wonderful to see!
Rian am 25.4.07 19:37


Everyday thoughts

Somehow my life is stuck.... it seems to flow by, unchanging, without events, just like that.....

There's not mh to tell, not much of importance happening... school is drawing towards an end, but still panic is not pulling me down... not yet, I guess.

And I feel that nothing is really happening... time is flying by so fast, and my thoughts go in circles. It is always the same things I think about, always the same conclusions I come to, as if I was reassuring myself everyday of my moral and ethics... I get mad at all the injustice in the world, the human-caused pain of the present and the past, Germany's past, the evil part of humanity, the cruelty of war, terrorism, capitalism...
A life is worth hardly anything nowadays, it seem. And either the world around me is getting more and more terrible with every day I watch the news, or the media are focussing more on catastrophies... human catastrophies and abbysses. It is so insane!

Then I wonder about my soul, myself.... Sometimes I lie in bed and feel desperatly longing for someone to just be next to me, embrace me, hold me... someone to talk to, someone I can trust with everything I am - but then, I can't even imagine myself having a relationship, and I don't want to, still don't want to. I am glad to be alone, I need some time for myself.

But maybe this is just because I have grown afraid of decisions.... I am reluctant to change anything, reluctant to make any decicions because I feel that there's no way back once I have chosen... too many decisions which will determine my later life, my future, everything. I can't imagine anything changing... And I dont know what my road is leading to, so I am reluctant to plan anything.... like a job for the holiday or something like that... I don't want to bind myself... to anything, it seems.... it is just weird....

But future will reveal what it holds in hand for me. I will find a way... someday. First of all finish school, and then... start a life again, maybe, get something moving, stop letting everything pass by.... seize the day.

Carpe diem... et noctem multa plus!
Rian am 25.4.07 19:31


...

Sometimes I wonder if anything makes sense at all....
There are powers in this world, water, rock, earth and wind, and fire, which are so much stronger than we can imagine. Though we think we controll them, nature shows us we are not. Now and then the powers just arise, they stand up, shake their iron fist and show us our helpnesness... and we fall into ruin, destruction, despair.

Sometimes I wonder if anything we do makes a difference at all. Is it not unbelievably arrogant to think that our actions might change anything about these powers? That for this world our small affairs count anything? Dust in the wind, we are no more. What difference ´does it make, seen from th point of four billion years, wether I achieve my aims or fail in my tasks, wether I live or die, or how? How can we think that it is of any interest to the world, to its great, unbelievable powers?
We arew nothing, and maybe we should get used to the thought that we are unimportant. There are things far beyond our understanding, may we be learned as we are now or even more. Even if those scientists measure the world in numbers and degrees and put it in formulas, what do we know of the great powers behind them? Even if we can explain love by matters of chemistry, what does that change, what does that do to the one in love? We cannot master these powers. We are not important. Actually, we are meaningless, I sometimes think.
And yet, I cannot accept it, I feel to know it, but I don't feel it, I don't feel unimportant and meaningless. Probably because if mankind accepted that there are so many thing more powerful and mor important than they are, if they saw their own vanity, they would loose the reason to live, the courage and hope to go on.

For even if to our world that is ancient and will be never endind as a planet we are meaningless, to us and our small matters we are not. I am alive, and to me and those close to me it is a difference.
And Idon't mean to say that we should be regardless being unimportant: There are powers we cannot controll or understand, but also things more important than our own small lives. And those things we should cherrish and preserve, or at least their memory. Even if everyone has to find them for him or herself. Or search in vain, alone. Or give up the search? I guess everyone has to find his or her own personal truth, meaning of life and purpose. I have found glimpses and pieces of mine. And things that are more important to me than life itself. And I am glad I have found them. No matter what others might think or say or feel about it......
Rian am 10.4.07 15:09


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